"Everyday we wake up, we are given another day, another chance for getting it right."
2013 was not bad. It definitely had its low moments. But in those low moments, there was always something to be grateful for. There were opportunities to live an even better life. Whether it was relief from overcoming a bad situation or changing plans, it all led to me taking responsibility for self and owning how I really felt, what I really wanted and then going after it. Change your perspective if you cannot change anything else. Let life work for you.
But in better words: "You don't let life, you TAKE life." (K.Alicia Paynter)
Own Yourself. A tragedy can be a tragedy and then it doesn't have to be-- if you are still breathing. Its then not a tragedy, its a triumph.
I am seeing and reading alot of your statuses and seeing you share those low moments and how many of you gave them power as if you did not win them. Its okay to feel hurt. Just don't stay there too long and dwell. It pains me to see you in pain. I believe God gives us these moments so that YOU can have the power, not the other way around to lead an even more amazing life! Some understand this and you kept living. Those that stayed positive realize that everything is an opportunity to move in a better direction. To be strong--to empower, to fight and survive! You reclaimed the life that was and is still yours. All you have to do is believe that the life you want is for you and that you can HAVE it. So, stop giving those negative things such power. It is just a test! For most, its a temporary obstacle, meanwhile I'm over here counting your blessings for you. Because, I love you. I used to be where some of you are (sometimes i still am, but it is short lived). Things only get better once you claim that things happen for the good. Let nothing be a tragedy, let it be an opportunity to win the battle. Because truly, thats all it is. There will always be perceived obstacles, just jump over them. What you want, you can have. Stay strong. You are worthy. Blessings to you.
Happy new you for this day and the rest of your life!
Peace and love,
Kristen
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Empower Yourself
Thats what Mom said, "Kristen, empower yourself."
As though she had just learned it for herself.
It all began 10 days before Christmas. My mom had called everyone for a family meeting. I was sitting on a chair in our sitting room, my sister and brother were both standing and my mother was sitting silent with glazed eyes in the chair across from me. I will never forget that day and numbness I felt. Chills go up and down my body in writing this right now for how cold it felt that day.
My mom first came downstairs to my room first thing in the morning as I was laying down. I was the first person she told. It must have been around 9am. She came to me with the phone in her hands shaking and gasps of air flowed out of her mouth so much that I thought someone had died. Yes, something did die that day. Her relationship to my father died. After 32 years we all sat in the sitting room with blank expressions, then confused ones, then ones of disbelief, ones of sadness and grief. I remember my sister cussing out my father, then my brother asking a multitude of questions like he was in a bad dream he'd wake up from. He never did. We never did.
My father had decided that again, after 32 years of marriage that he no longer was "in love with our mother".
We celebrated Christmas without him that year. We all knew there was someone else in the picture. Whoever it was, it didn't matter. Selfishness was in the picture more than love was when it came to my father. And perhaps it had been on its way for a while then. All I saw was how my mother reacted afterwards and how the pain took over her life for a while and how everyone made their attempts to heal her.
I was already going through a recent break up, then my car dying a day before my parents separating and then two weeks later I was let go at my job. Yup, quadruple whammy. I realized that life has a way of not caring about you sometimes or showing you that you must be your own rock and to hang onto the love you give yourself and others as the way to pull you through. I loved that job, I loved my car, but they were both things. I loved my father, who I thought he was, the things that he did that took care of me and the way he took care of my mother until they began to break her down and her hair was starting to fall out and started to eat less and less. Its always a bit eye-opening the impact we can have on each other if we don't claim our power first. Its not hard to become powerless if you choose to become a victim to life.
*********************************************************************************
This past weekend, I lost in a competition and did not place. I did not walk away with a coveted trophy or medal. I walked away with nothing but the lesson of trying and the pride of completing something I had yearned for. And it felt soo good to bring my best self confidently to a stage without shaking, without doubting, without being afraid. And to some, that may seem like nothing. But to me, it was and still is a great win. Others asked me, "Kristen, how did you feel when you didn't place?" I had to think about it for a while because I felt more shocked and then a bit disappointed and then both of those feelings faded because I realize that I value my personal life more than my professional life so much more so "losing" in this competition really didn't feel that bad. :) I am loved. I am loving. I will continue to be love, to be loved, to be loving. And that keeps me smiling, grounded and thinking about others. That's what keeps me asking the cashier at Dunkin Donuts for ten creams when I only need two (a day after the show) because I'm thinking of the person behind me who may want more cream in their coffee. Or the guy at the gas station who just pulled out of the spot that I'm pulling into but his gas tank lid is still open and I'm hesitant to pull into the spot, or saying "Hi" to someone who is looking at the ground like they had the worst day in the world-- because somewhere along the way, that person was me. And perhaps there was someone who did all those things for me in those times, and then there were days when they didn't and I expected little to nothing. And on the days when someone showed me love, that was winning, and on the days when they didn't and I chose to show myself love, that was also winning. You see, we choose to be winners or losers in whatever life brings our way.
I feel my happiest when I reach out to hold someone's hand and they hold it back and that to me, is a win. Or I hug someone the tightest I can hold them and I'm able to be vulnerable with them and they hug me back with their tightest, warmest hug, that is winning. Or I tell my best friend that I love her and that she is "the love of my life" and she gasps and smiles over the phone "So are you!" Or, I kiss and am kissed passionately with all the love I have inside of me and that is winning. Or my mom buys my favorite apple and says to me "How did I know this was your favorite?" she says smiling. We never forget the way people make us feel, or the way things make us feel. But for me, I value the way people make me feel more, or better yet, the way I make myself feel when I'm going after something I want, when I am sharing my best self, when I'm thinking of others or trying to be love to them in my own special way that no one else can. That is empowering myself. So, after feeling a bit upset about the outcomes of life in the past weekend I had to remind myself of who I am, of what I did, of what my intentions were for myself and others involved and how I felt love. I still won in so many ways throughout those hardships and I'm still proud of all that I am doing, becoming and being. I gave of myself. And there is nothing that I lost in doing that. Because its all propelling me to catching my ultimate dreams and lessons in my personal and professional life.
My mother is also taking her own advice as she does activities like Zumba, or is going to events on the weekend like the AppleButter Festival and sharing her treats with us like Pumpkin Butter. We, my family, are having family fun nights every couple of weeks where we get together and do things like Breakfast for Dinner aka Brinner. Or movie night. And these are things we have never done until now, until after my father left us. He blessed us. At the end of the day, people do whats best for them. We choose what suits us best. I have learned that when things get uncomfortable, I must be doing the right thing. Because life is teaching me something about hope, faith, love and belief. There was a point when I did want to quit doing shows last week, when I was feeling the stress of having to have my head always in the game so to speak. Its so much easier to quit anything when things get hard. And for me, thats been easy to do in my professional life. I would trade in the things I like for the things I love any day. Go where your passion is because it allows you to be and share your best.
I will always know that love is most important. Therefore, I won't give up on people I love, thats much easier not to do. Its easy for me to let go of things, much easier than it is to let go of myself, my habits, my ways, my loves. And I must think of whats most important, letting go of myself, letting go of my dreams or letting go of others, like my father.
All in all, we must let go of the things that may be most important to us (when required), like all of the above and sometimes, just maybe, they have a tendency of finding their way right back where they belong. With us. With me. In my heart. In my soul. In my spirit. In my hands.
So, with that said. After getting mentally stressed about life, about love, about my dreams and struggles I decided to move forward. Forward towards my best self that goes far beyond the competition me, but someday towards greater things like being a mom, being a wife, being an aunt, being a mentor, being a best friend, being a teacher, being support, being there. Those are the things that are most important that I already have. That I already am.
So whomever you are, whatever you do, Empower you.
As though she had just learned it for herself.
It all began 10 days before Christmas. My mom had called everyone for a family meeting. I was sitting on a chair in our sitting room, my sister and brother were both standing and my mother was sitting silent with glazed eyes in the chair across from me. I will never forget that day and numbness I felt. Chills go up and down my body in writing this right now for how cold it felt that day.
My mom first came downstairs to my room first thing in the morning as I was laying down. I was the first person she told. It must have been around 9am. She came to me with the phone in her hands shaking and gasps of air flowed out of her mouth so much that I thought someone had died. Yes, something did die that day. Her relationship to my father died. After 32 years we all sat in the sitting room with blank expressions, then confused ones, then ones of disbelief, ones of sadness and grief. I remember my sister cussing out my father, then my brother asking a multitude of questions like he was in a bad dream he'd wake up from. He never did. We never did.
My father had decided that again, after 32 years of marriage that he no longer was "in love with our mother".
We celebrated Christmas without him that year. We all knew there was someone else in the picture. Whoever it was, it didn't matter. Selfishness was in the picture more than love was when it came to my father. And perhaps it had been on its way for a while then. All I saw was how my mother reacted afterwards and how the pain took over her life for a while and how everyone made their attempts to heal her.
I was already going through a recent break up, then my car dying a day before my parents separating and then two weeks later I was let go at my job. Yup, quadruple whammy. I realized that life has a way of not caring about you sometimes or showing you that you must be your own rock and to hang onto the love you give yourself and others as the way to pull you through. I loved that job, I loved my car, but they were both things. I loved my father, who I thought he was, the things that he did that took care of me and the way he took care of my mother until they began to break her down and her hair was starting to fall out and started to eat less and less. Its always a bit eye-opening the impact we can have on each other if we don't claim our power first. Its not hard to become powerless if you choose to become a victim to life.
*********************************************************************************
This past weekend, I lost in a competition and did not place. I did not walk away with a coveted trophy or medal. I walked away with nothing but the lesson of trying and the pride of completing something I had yearned for. And it felt soo good to bring my best self confidently to a stage without shaking, without doubting, without being afraid. And to some, that may seem like nothing. But to me, it was and still is a great win. Others asked me, "Kristen, how did you feel when you didn't place?" I had to think about it for a while because I felt more shocked and then a bit disappointed and then both of those feelings faded because I realize that I value my personal life more than my professional life so much more so "losing" in this competition really didn't feel that bad. :) I am loved. I am loving. I will continue to be love, to be loved, to be loving. And that keeps me smiling, grounded and thinking about others. That's what keeps me asking the cashier at Dunkin Donuts for ten creams when I only need two (a day after the show) because I'm thinking of the person behind me who may want more cream in their coffee. Or the guy at the gas station who just pulled out of the spot that I'm pulling into but his gas tank lid is still open and I'm hesitant to pull into the spot, or saying "Hi" to someone who is looking at the ground like they had the worst day in the world-- because somewhere along the way, that person was me. And perhaps there was someone who did all those things for me in those times, and then there were days when they didn't and I expected little to nothing. And on the days when someone showed me love, that was winning, and on the days when they didn't and I chose to show myself love, that was also winning. You see, we choose to be winners or losers in whatever life brings our way.
I feel my happiest when I reach out to hold someone's hand and they hold it back and that to me, is a win. Or I hug someone the tightest I can hold them and I'm able to be vulnerable with them and they hug me back with their tightest, warmest hug, that is winning. Or I tell my best friend that I love her and that she is "the love of my life" and she gasps and smiles over the phone "So are you!" Or, I kiss and am kissed passionately with all the love I have inside of me and that is winning. Or my mom buys my favorite apple and says to me "How did I know this was your favorite?" she says smiling. We never forget the way people make us feel, or the way things make us feel. But for me, I value the way people make me feel more, or better yet, the way I make myself feel when I'm going after something I want, when I am sharing my best self, when I'm thinking of others or trying to be love to them in my own special way that no one else can. That is empowering myself. So, after feeling a bit upset about the outcomes of life in the past weekend I had to remind myself of who I am, of what I did, of what my intentions were for myself and others involved and how I felt love. I still won in so many ways throughout those hardships and I'm still proud of all that I am doing, becoming and being. I gave of myself. And there is nothing that I lost in doing that. Because its all propelling me to catching my ultimate dreams and lessons in my personal and professional life.
My mother is also taking her own advice as she does activities like Zumba, or is going to events on the weekend like the AppleButter Festival and sharing her treats with us like Pumpkin Butter. We, my family, are having family fun nights every couple of weeks where we get together and do things like Breakfast for Dinner aka Brinner. Or movie night. And these are things we have never done until now, until after my father left us. He blessed us. At the end of the day, people do whats best for them. We choose what suits us best. I have learned that when things get uncomfortable, I must be doing the right thing. Because life is teaching me something about hope, faith, love and belief. There was a point when I did want to quit doing shows last week, when I was feeling the stress of having to have my head always in the game so to speak. Its so much easier to quit anything when things get hard. And for me, thats been easy to do in my professional life. I would trade in the things I like for the things I love any day. Go where your passion is because it allows you to be and share your best.
I will always know that love is most important. Therefore, I won't give up on people I love, thats much easier not to do. Its easy for me to let go of things, much easier than it is to let go of myself, my habits, my ways, my loves. And I must think of whats most important, letting go of myself, letting go of my dreams or letting go of others, like my father.
All in all, we must let go of the things that may be most important to us (when required), like all of the above and sometimes, just maybe, they have a tendency of finding their way right back where they belong. With us. With me. In my heart. In my soul. In my spirit. In my hands.
So, with that said. After getting mentally stressed about life, about love, about my dreams and struggles I decided to move forward. Forward towards my best self that goes far beyond the competition me, but someday towards greater things like being a mom, being a wife, being an aunt, being a mentor, being a best friend, being a teacher, being support, being there. Those are the things that are most important that I already have. That I already am.
So whomever you are, whatever you do, Empower you.
Monday, September 23, 2013
The Journey Begins Again
I don't think that pain is necessary in anything that we do. -Kagiso Alicia Paynter (my best friend)
When I say pain, and when she says pain we mean both physical and emotional pains we go through.
When I first started out on dieting again, it was painless. It was painless because my perception of dieting and what I felt I could get away with in not being 100 percent had increased. So, the first month I wasn't even 90% on my diet and it didn't pay off. I looked almost the same as I did before I began dieting. But with the added protein and more frequent meals, my body started to get tighter and take more of an aesthetically pleasing form (as a friend put it). Quite honestly, the greater issue wasn't with food itself, it was with how I was feeling unsure about my new goal that had been an old goal from three years prior. I had fears of trying to do a show that I might not be able to afford (monetarily and mentally) and telling everyone I was doing a show and never getting onstage for the sixth time (or something like that) scared me.And part of me not wanting to follow through was the pain that I had felt so strongly the first time (after not winning) that i felt i had gone through a bad breakup that I laid in bed for two days after the show. I contemplated not going to the gym again. It almost broke me. And being so obsessively into it the first time scared me about the outcome the second time and how I would mentally feel. I don't know of many people in the sport with this story. Perhaps they don't share it because I believe people only will show what they are comfortable with as we all have our battles. I'd like to share mine because I want that fellow imperfect person out there who is just as imperfect as me to feel at home. To feel like themselves. To feel whole while other physical, emotional and mental things are headed towards empty...like the fridge, the gas tank, or a bank account..support, acceptance, love. The battle with getting onstage was not really with my body. It has always been with my mind. Actually grasping the concept of doing something I'd only dreamt of doing over and over again but never quite accomplishing it because I was giving fear the power which fueled other physical battles of feeling incompetent due to financial stresses just drove me towards quitting.
I will admit I have had two battles. 1. Not following through with this particular goal because I was fueling my fears. 2. Not following through because of issues with constantly employing myself, a job transition, gaining or losing clients repeatedly and unexpected bills have always gotten in the way for the last 3 years of trying to begin again on this journey. I had something to blame my shortcomings on. Money. We all have excuses, explanations, hurdles, bumps in the road and perhaps its part of the journey is to humble oneself and to ask for help. Its been the one thing I don't ever like to do but as I get older, it seems to be that i become more humbled after being proudly independent that I have to now ask for help. After trying to get there by myself for so long I had become proud in doing almost everything by myself. I have learned, that this battle started with my body and it can end with my mind. Because everything starts and ends in the mind and spirit. We have so much power. But we have more effective power when joining forces with another. I've always prided myself in being strong and standing alone, and fighting that good fight when no one is around to root me on, or support me or have my back. Its been the way I've grown up. I learned to stop seeking approval and start being my own approval at an early age based on the kind of people I grew up with; my family. But, God puts different hurdles in our lives so we can be greater and do greater things and validate ourselves and perhaps someone along the way challenges the idea that you must do everything by yourself and they become your family. I am so grateful for the friends I have (my best friends, soulmates, surrogate family members) you know who you are. They were the ones that kept me positive, that kept the visions there like they had already happened. They helped to create this reality for me. I told them my dreams and they pushed me to the finish line. But most of all, I believed it first. You see, the only thing that really has power over you are the things you believe in. If you don't believe, even the things you want to believe in have no power and become useless. They have no effect. So when you truly believe that you want and deserve the thing you want, it finds its way to you. Your belief is really that powerful. There were many days I felt haunted by this dream and saw many others going on and getting their pro cards, winning many shows and made it look so easy. And I know it wasn't. So I continued living and dreaming and doing those things passionately until my time. And, there were many days I just lived and tried to forget I had ever had the dream to begin with. But everytime I did that, there I was at the gym working out next to mirrors trying to ignore my passion that was staring me in my face. Or someone would come up and tell me "You have great potential for bodybuilding!" Or "Do you compete?" I would smile and shake my head. I was never going to be able to let it go. And I knew and felt and heard that this was the right time to do it and truly push through hardships that were there, that were coming that were outside of me.
So much of life's hardships are outside of us. And how are we to know which ones are truly real or illusions? What are you giving power to? So, with that mindset, I set up a vision board a year ago. I didn't obsess over any of the dreams on paper cut outs that I had. I just posted them on my board and let them be after obsessing the first time a year before. lol So much of life is about balance. So much of life is about love. So much of life is about giving to each other and sharing our gifts, our words, our talents and most of all, our love. Its been that part of it thats helped me to believe that I deserve the things I think I deserve. If you are always giving what you bring to the table and doing so lovingly, why should you not get the things you are giving. However, I truly enjoy giving for the sake of giving anyway, it has not been about the outcome. Its just something I have noticed after being more insecure than I ever needed to be. Being loving has raised my consciousness to knowing that this journey is not my own. That I am taking people with me who are learning things with me about life, love, passion and growth. That in itself is far greater than winning any trophy at a show which is why i believe strongly in the cliche that "Its not the destination, its the journey."
If any of you had seen me years ago when I first started out "Discipline" could have been my middle name. I was dieting so hard and so extremely down to the calorie I had to come home from work and lay down and eat bowls and bowls and bowls of cereal to feel like I wasn't about to faint. Crazy part was, I was writing my own diet at the time that my coach just ok'd. I thought about winning all the time and took pictures of myself nonstop. Although I was proud then and am typically a modest person, I was quickly becoming really into myself and I started to notice it after I had gotten 3rd and 4th places in the shows that I did and worked extremely hard at to the point of exhaustion and starvation. Life has a way of humbling us until we get the lesson. Truth was, this dream haunted me. Every time I got a new coach and the diet didnt work or I ran out of money or I messed up on the diet or mentally i just didn't believe the diet would work and then it didn't I had lost again in my eyes. And, this happened at least 5 times in two years before I would get back onstage the third year. I guess it goes to show one that you truly don't fail when you keep trying. And when you truly want something, the universe conspires to make it happen...when its your time and you've already learned the lesson life is trying to teach you then your dream becomes a reality.
Life is moment by moment. Few things are permanent. We should all be present in the time that we are actually living in because it is truly all we have. I am grateful for the accomplishment that i had been dreaming of completing, but on the drive back I realized that once you've gotten to your destination you must find a new journey in order to propel yourself forward instead of stagnant and we all aren't headed to just one place on our journeys. There are plenty of stops in life and the life after this one is continuous. So be enlightened that wherever you are headed there is always another place to go after arriving. The journey only stops when you stop and you only really fail when you stop working towards a goal and that you can be failing one moment and winning in another. Winning is just a choice away. And truthfully, we win everyday when we wake up.
I just wanted to leave all of you with this, to only put power in the things you really want to happen. To meditate on it, to visualize it, to sleep with it in your head, to wake up with it in your head but do all that while you continue living, loving, breathing, giving and sharing because whatever you think you're doing on your own, you are taking others that are involved on the journey with you. So make sure you leave a positive legacy and that the dream doesn't end with you...but perhaps it begins with you breathing life--giving birth to someone else's dream. Because that my friends, is true winning.
When I say pain, and when she says pain we mean both physical and emotional pains we go through.
When I first started out on dieting again, it was painless. It was painless because my perception of dieting and what I felt I could get away with in not being 100 percent had increased. So, the first month I wasn't even 90% on my diet and it didn't pay off. I looked almost the same as I did before I began dieting. But with the added protein and more frequent meals, my body started to get tighter and take more of an aesthetically pleasing form (as a friend put it). Quite honestly, the greater issue wasn't with food itself, it was with how I was feeling unsure about my new goal that had been an old goal from three years prior. I had fears of trying to do a show that I might not be able to afford (monetarily and mentally) and telling everyone I was doing a show and never getting onstage for the sixth time (or something like that) scared me.And part of me not wanting to follow through was the pain that I had felt so strongly the first time (after not winning) that i felt i had gone through a bad breakup that I laid in bed for two days after the show. I contemplated not going to the gym again. It almost broke me. And being so obsessively into it the first time scared me about the outcome the second time and how I would mentally feel. I don't know of many people in the sport with this story. Perhaps they don't share it because I believe people only will show what they are comfortable with as we all have our battles. I'd like to share mine because I want that fellow imperfect person out there who is just as imperfect as me to feel at home. To feel like themselves. To feel whole while other physical, emotional and mental things are headed towards empty...like the fridge, the gas tank, or a bank account..support, acceptance, love. The battle with getting onstage was not really with my body. It has always been with my mind. Actually grasping the concept of doing something I'd only dreamt of doing over and over again but never quite accomplishing it because I was giving fear the power which fueled other physical battles of feeling incompetent due to financial stresses just drove me towards quitting.
I will admit I have had two battles. 1. Not following through with this particular goal because I was fueling my fears. 2. Not following through because of issues with constantly employing myself, a job transition, gaining or losing clients repeatedly and unexpected bills have always gotten in the way for the last 3 years of trying to begin again on this journey. I had something to blame my shortcomings on. Money. We all have excuses, explanations, hurdles, bumps in the road and perhaps its part of the journey is to humble oneself and to ask for help. Its been the one thing I don't ever like to do but as I get older, it seems to be that i become more humbled after being proudly independent that I have to now ask for help. After trying to get there by myself for so long I had become proud in doing almost everything by myself. I have learned, that this battle started with my body and it can end with my mind. Because everything starts and ends in the mind and spirit. We have so much power. But we have more effective power when joining forces with another. I've always prided myself in being strong and standing alone, and fighting that good fight when no one is around to root me on, or support me or have my back. Its been the way I've grown up. I learned to stop seeking approval and start being my own approval at an early age based on the kind of people I grew up with; my family. But, God puts different hurdles in our lives so we can be greater and do greater things and validate ourselves and perhaps someone along the way challenges the idea that you must do everything by yourself and they become your family. I am so grateful for the friends I have (my best friends, soulmates, surrogate family members) you know who you are. They were the ones that kept me positive, that kept the visions there like they had already happened. They helped to create this reality for me. I told them my dreams and they pushed me to the finish line. But most of all, I believed it first. You see, the only thing that really has power over you are the things you believe in. If you don't believe, even the things you want to believe in have no power and become useless. They have no effect. So when you truly believe that you want and deserve the thing you want, it finds its way to you. Your belief is really that powerful. There were many days I felt haunted by this dream and saw many others going on and getting their pro cards, winning many shows and made it look so easy. And I know it wasn't. So I continued living and dreaming and doing those things passionately until my time. And, there were many days I just lived and tried to forget I had ever had the dream to begin with. But everytime I did that, there I was at the gym working out next to mirrors trying to ignore my passion that was staring me in my face. Or someone would come up and tell me "You have great potential for bodybuilding!" Or "Do you compete?" I would smile and shake my head. I was never going to be able to let it go. And I knew and felt and heard that this was the right time to do it and truly push through hardships that were there, that were coming that were outside of me.
So much of life's hardships are outside of us. And how are we to know which ones are truly real or illusions? What are you giving power to? So, with that mindset, I set up a vision board a year ago. I didn't obsess over any of the dreams on paper cut outs that I had. I just posted them on my board and let them be after obsessing the first time a year before. lol So much of life is about balance. So much of life is about love. So much of life is about giving to each other and sharing our gifts, our words, our talents and most of all, our love. Its been that part of it thats helped me to believe that I deserve the things I think I deserve. If you are always giving what you bring to the table and doing so lovingly, why should you not get the things you are giving. However, I truly enjoy giving for the sake of giving anyway, it has not been about the outcome. Its just something I have noticed after being more insecure than I ever needed to be. Being loving has raised my consciousness to knowing that this journey is not my own. That I am taking people with me who are learning things with me about life, love, passion and growth. That in itself is far greater than winning any trophy at a show which is why i believe strongly in the cliche that "Its not the destination, its the journey."
If any of you had seen me years ago when I first started out "Discipline" could have been my middle name. I was dieting so hard and so extremely down to the calorie I had to come home from work and lay down and eat bowls and bowls and bowls of cereal to feel like I wasn't about to faint. Crazy part was, I was writing my own diet at the time that my coach just ok'd. I thought about winning all the time and took pictures of myself nonstop. Although I was proud then and am typically a modest person, I was quickly becoming really into myself and I started to notice it after I had gotten 3rd and 4th places in the shows that I did and worked extremely hard at to the point of exhaustion and starvation. Life has a way of humbling us until we get the lesson. Truth was, this dream haunted me. Every time I got a new coach and the diet didnt work or I ran out of money or I messed up on the diet or mentally i just didn't believe the diet would work and then it didn't I had lost again in my eyes. And, this happened at least 5 times in two years before I would get back onstage the third year. I guess it goes to show one that you truly don't fail when you keep trying. And when you truly want something, the universe conspires to make it happen...when its your time and you've already learned the lesson life is trying to teach you then your dream becomes a reality.
Life is moment by moment. Few things are permanent. We should all be present in the time that we are actually living in because it is truly all we have. I am grateful for the accomplishment that i had been dreaming of completing, but on the drive back I realized that once you've gotten to your destination you must find a new journey in order to propel yourself forward instead of stagnant and we all aren't headed to just one place on our journeys. There are plenty of stops in life and the life after this one is continuous. So be enlightened that wherever you are headed there is always another place to go after arriving. The journey only stops when you stop and you only really fail when you stop working towards a goal and that you can be failing one moment and winning in another. Winning is just a choice away. And truthfully, we win everyday when we wake up.
I just wanted to leave all of you with this, to only put power in the things you really want to happen. To meditate on it, to visualize it, to sleep with it in your head, to wake up with it in your head but do all that while you continue living, loving, breathing, giving and sharing because whatever you think you're doing on your own, you are taking others that are involved on the journey with you. So make sure you leave a positive legacy and that the dream doesn't end with you...but perhaps it begins with you breathing life--giving birth to someone else's dream. Because that my friends, is true winning.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Never Give Up
"You must be the change you wish to see." -Gandhi
Sometimes its much easier to let go and give up than it is to keep hanging on. Especially when it could almost seem like there is little to hang onto. But, when letting go or 'giving up' is mostly what you know then you know nothing else can come from giving up than letting something die. Whether it be a dream, a goal, a business, a relationship or a title. When something is dead, it has no life, it has no breath, it has no future. And when you start to think of giving up as death or as something without a future perhaps moving forward may be the better thing (generally speaking) than letting something like a dream die...
It has happened recently, that just about every area of my life has completed a cycle that I could perceive as a death...at home, at work, in love, out of love (with myself and others) and bouts of it in friendship. Being stuck in a place where there is darkness is a kind of death, especially if you live there or the cycle of all of these things seems to be offering little to no change despite changing routes to achieving success. But all that really matters is our perception..because thats what creates our reality. So, if we perceive something as a failure and then give up then it truly becomes a failure because there is no life left in it when we choose to let it go and let the dream die with it. I can't stay there.
If you want acceptance, be acceptance. If you want love, be love. If you want to win, be won over. If you want to be treasured, be a treasure. And, you will draw these things to you. Our power lies within us and is immeasurable. Perhaps, we should all start testing it?
While coming out of a cycle of darkness, I realized I was in a place of possibly reliving my past where placing hope in my future was not saving me immediately, when the now is all any of us have. That cycle of looking forward, instead of being grateful for my present was a fleeting feeling of habitually chasing after something that I indeed already have when I change my perception. So, in understanding this and in an act of gratitude towards myself, I headed down to the gym to breathe life into me again NOW. Before I left, I meditated and sought out a spiritual mentor but found darkness there as I continued to try to spread life. And then when I was done at the gym, I headed to my favorite spot to run over a bridge with troubled water underneath it and it felt like love. The saving part for myself felt like love. Willing myself to jog over this bridge after a long workout, tired, on few carbs and making it to the end without stopping felt like love and winning and surviving and aliveness. There I was, rescued from the depths of the beginning of a depression - I saved me. Like I always do. But, I wasn't alone. Family members were sharing their depression with me, friends were having hard days of wanting to give up and even the greatest people I would look to for positivity were also wanting to give up after feeling so drained by life and from giving of themselves with little appreciation in return. And honestly, that was one of my greatest battles as well. The lack of feeling appreciated. Retreating to silence and deep thought has helped me continue to be and seek goodness and love.
The words "Never give up" had been swirling in my head after my best friend had sent me a random card in the mail that told me "I love you. I believe in you." And the random "I love you" she told me in the middle of a phone conversation we had days ago felt like she lit up a darkened room within me with those three words. Acceptance. Peace. Recognition. Love. Appreciation. All feelings came within me again as though they'd left for brief seconds. And then, I felt them again on the drive to get in a long run.
**On my way to saving myself from myself, in running over this bridge over water I saw a shiny black BMW in the lane next to me. The male driver (headed in the same direction) sped up as if to race me. And, as I let him roar ahead of me in his two door and me, in my four door SUV, I was politely surprised to read as he crossed over into my lane the words "NVRGVEUP" on his license plate. It hit me, that I was never alone all along. That we are connected in experiencing the same thing and our purpose is to always share the message of hope and a future and to treasure the present with everyone that feels distressed. And that someone up there and my spiritual guides down here love me and show me love all the time through these signs they place along the way that I would never dismiss as coincidence. No. This is love. And, I will feel it so I can keep going. So I won't need to give up because I have love. I don't need to give up because love is life. And I, have enough of both to continue to do more than just survive. So anytime someone tries to take something away from me, denies me, steals from me, cheats me, etc. I will take it as a blessing that they showed me the real them and that I am the blessing because I will not do that to them. Why? Because I have love...and guess what? I'm still sharing it.
Never give up because giving up is death. Keep going, because growth and movement is life and love.
Loving the you you're in is not just a feeling, its the action that matters the most.
Sometimes its much easier to let go and give up than it is to keep hanging on. Especially when it could almost seem like there is little to hang onto. But, when letting go or 'giving up' is mostly what you know then you know nothing else can come from giving up than letting something die. Whether it be a dream, a goal, a business, a relationship or a title. When something is dead, it has no life, it has no breath, it has no future. And when you start to think of giving up as death or as something without a future perhaps moving forward may be the better thing (generally speaking) than letting something like a dream die...
It has happened recently, that just about every area of my life has completed a cycle that I could perceive as a death...at home, at work, in love, out of love (with myself and others) and bouts of it in friendship. Being stuck in a place where there is darkness is a kind of death, especially if you live there or the cycle of all of these things seems to be offering little to no change despite changing routes to achieving success. But all that really matters is our perception..because thats what creates our reality. So, if we perceive something as a failure and then give up then it truly becomes a failure because there is no life left in it when we choose to let it go and let the dream die with it. I can't stay there.
If you want acceptance, be acceptance. If you want love, be love. If you want to win, be won over. If you want to be treasured, be a treasure. And, you will draw these things to you. Our power lies within us and is immeasurable. Perhaps, we should all start testing it?
While coming out of a cycle of darkness, I realized I was in a place of possibly reliving my past where placing hope in my future was not saving me immediately, when the now is all any of us have. That cycle of looking forward, instead of being grateful for my present was a fleeting feeling of habitually chasing after something that I indeed already have when I change my perception. So, in understanding this and in an act of gratitude towards myself, I headed down to the gym to breathe life into me again NOW. Before I left, I meditated and sought out a spiritual mentor but found darkness there as I continued to try to spread life. And then when I was done at the gym, I headed to my favorite spot to run over a bridge with troubled water underneath it and it felt like love. The saving part for myself felt like love. Willing myself to jog over this bridge after a long workout, tired, on few carbs and making it to the end without stopping felt like love and winning and surviving and aliveness. There I was, rescued from the depths of the beginning of a depression - I saved me. Like I always do. But, I wasn't alone. Family members were sharing their depression with me, friends were having hard days of wanting to give up and even the greatest people I would look to for positivity were also wanting to give up after feeling so drained by life and from giving of themselves with little appreciation in return. And honestly, that was one of my greatest battles as well. The lack of feeling appreciated. Retreating to silence and deep thought has helped me continue to be and seek goodness and love.
The words "Never give up" had been swirling in my head after my best friend had sent me a random card in the mail that told me "I love you. I believe in you." And the random "I love you" she told me in the middle of a phone conversation we had days ago felt like she lit up a darkened room within me with those three words. Acceptance. Peace. Recognition. Love. Appreciation. All feelings came within me again as though they'd left for brief seconds. And then, I felt them again on the drive to get in a long run.
**On my way to saving myself from myself, in running over this bridge over water I saw a shiny black BMW in the lane next to me. The male driver (headed in the same direction) sped up as if to race me. And, as I let him roar ahead of me in his two door and me, in my four door SUV, I was politely surprised to read as he crossed over into my lane the words "NVRGVEUP" on his license plate. It hit me, that I was never alone all along. That we are connected in experiencing the same thing and our purpose is to always share the message of hope and a future and to treasure the present with everyone that feels distressed. And that someone up there and my spiritual guides down here love me and show me love all the time through these signs they place along the way that I would never dismiss as coincidence. No. This is love. And, I will feel it so I can keep going. So I won't need to give up because I have love. I don't need to give up because love is life. And I, have enough of both to continue to do more than just survive. So anytime someone tries to take something away from me, denies me, steals from me, cheats me, etc. I will take it as a blessing that they showed me the real them and that I am the blessing because I will not do that to them. Why? Because I have love...and guess what? I'm still sharing it.
Never give up because giving up is death. Keep going, because growth and movement is life and love.
Loving the you you're in is not just a feeling, its the action that matters the most.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Never Satisfied-Itis
"She's just never satisfied!!"
I hear men say this all the time about their women and then I realized that I've thought the same thing about the men I've attracted. But, what is really going on? How can everyone be so dissatisfied with each other? Perhaps, the truth is, we are dissatisfied with ourselves. So, we start to attract the very thing we are. And logically speaking, when you have preconceived notions of how you feel about yourself and how you feel about others don't you start attracting people who have similar thoughts and ideas as you into your circle? Better yet, what's inside of you that makes you feel dissatisfied? Can't it be changed with changing your perception?
**When I look to the picture at my right, in the yellow and white sleeveless, from a photo shoot I did years ago, I remember the me I was loving then. How those white shorts hugged my little size three hips that were headed to a size two. How I didn't feel self-conscious wearing those shorts and that my legs no longer jiggling, and how I am only ten pounds away from that weight currently and I feel almost just as good. But most of all, I remember how satisfied I was. I was more than content, I was happy with all of my hard work and the scheduled training workouts I had had with my personal training class. I HAD to be present for class to get a good grade and we HAD to train our partners for a grade for an hour every time we went to class. I got a special kind of satisfaction from the support all my classmates gave me in doing my very first competition. It was one of the members that brought it up to me that he thought I could do one. Honestly speaking, if he hadn't given me the idea and pointed out a flyer posted by my first coach, I may have never done it. In saying that, I didn't realize how much their kind words, encouragement and questions about my competition goals really helped me do my best until the class was over and the support was no longer there at that capacity. I didn't realize how satisfied their support made me, until it was gone.
But, to be completely real, I wasn't as satisfied as I had thought. Even when I was 10 pounds less, it still wasn't enough for me. If I was a size 4, I wanted to be a size 3 and when I was a size 3, I wanted to be a size 2 and so on. It seems as though, to be human, is to be dissatisfied with something. We all are so hungry to be better or the "best" at something and to be quite honest, I'm tired. I'm ready to be the "best" at being me. And, I don't need a reward for it. Thats how you maintain happiness. Loving the you, you already are.
At present, someone else, another training mentor, had to remind me that the me I want to look like, is not the me, that I genetically am. Who doesn't want to look like a ballerina? Ummm, I do!! And I don't want quadzilla-ass legs!! But, here I am, with them. In having that conversation, and in him pointing out that I wasn't accepting the me I couldn't change but was determined to change, I realized I could achieve my best results in just accepting what I have.
While on my hiatus in all of 2012 and part of 2013, I took a break from working out vigorously. I hadn't realized that there wasn't ever a time I took more than two days off from training since 2002. I'm serious. I had a two-day rule that I lived like it was the Word from the Bible. So, the 'burnt-out-me' took a break. I discovered the me that existed without being obsessed with working out and it was a self-discovery worth living, where there wasn't an incessant need to pound the hell out of my body. In taking time to "smell the roses", go on walks, do yoga, fast, meditate, eat when hungry not according to a diet and just do activities that weren't part of a routine that I actually enjoyed, I discovered the me that was lying dormant the whole time. The me that didn't need to work out 6 days a week to feel good or keep the weight off. I took time to be apart of nature, to notice how beautiful a sunny day is, or to just be thankful that I got another day, another chance, to get life even more right than the day before. I developed a satisfaction with what I already had instead of always being in a place of not enough. Its what I call 'never satisfied-itis'. It is the best disease of the mind to always being unhappy, insufficient, inadequate and not enough. The battles that most of us face, aren't in any institution, or trying to rep out the last 2 reps and failing, but the battle starts, continues or ends, in the mind. When you have gratitude for the things you already have and you aren't spending so much time focusing on what you don't have, don't you find yourself richer? Further, don't you open yourself up to receiving what you really want when you are satisfied with what you have?
Now, being 10 pounds heavier, I'm the more satisfied with me at this weight than I've ever been since high school. Its the same EXACT weight!!! So, what other choice do I have other than to be satisfied?
Notice, that the problem we oftentimes have with others, is a problem we have with ourselves. When anyone tells me that another person is never satisfied, I find often that they too, are never satisfied with themselves either, when I look at how they live, what they tell me and how happy or unhappy they seem. So, stop wishing for what someone else has, or better yet, what you think someone else has. Everyone has a battle. And alot of the time, people are not honest with their battles. They will post their wins and let everyone share in that, but oftentimes, its the battle that someone is going through that reveals a truth that can empower everyone more than the win can. If you don't see someone fighting, how can you truly empathize with their win? In any case, we have all had 'Never Satisfied-Itis'. When you find yourself here, think about these things: Are you breathing? Did you accomplish anything at all today? What do you appreciate about yourself? Do you have your health? And best, what are you grateful for?
'Never Satisfied-Itis' can best be cured by evaluating what you have now, that perhaps other people may wish they had. When you put it in that perspective your perception on how bad things seem goes away. Sometimes the grass really isn't greener, its just as green as your own lawn. Be happy with what you already have. Because there are plenty of people with less.
Love the you, you're In. Because there is only one you and God made you uniquely and by His intentional design.
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