To my future husband: I want to be your mistress, your "sidechick", your baby mama, your swolemate, your soulmate, your friday night date, your girlfriend, your "mirror", your buddy, your number one fan, your sous chef, your masseuse, your greatest support, the other hand you hold, your activity partner, your best friend, the love of your life, main squeeze, ride or die, Bonnie and Clyde....but most of all and best of all, your wife.
Signed,
Your other half
#HappyLOVEday
Friday, February 6, 2015
My Dance with The Energy God
"Take my heart and please don't break it. Love was made for me and you...."
"Happy New Year insightful friend, not sure why I never graced your page to say hi with that gorgeous smile."
"Aww, thank you sweetheart", I replied blushing. I couldn't deny I was already floating after that first sentence.
"My pleasure honey, so bold and beauty with captivating charming smile can melt away any storm! Glad we met love." The 'Energy God' replied.
"Don't you have a poetic way with words.." I said continuing to blush.
Immediately, every time I looked into his eyes I saw magic. I saw myself. I saw my soul mate in his unexplicable energy that was as deep and loving like an ocean that invited me, to explore him in his deepest and bluest waters in each time we spoke. We were both Pisces, the 12th sign and the ultimate sign of love. He was there when I was complaining about the love I hadn't received, or the job I didn't get, or the hardship of growing up with a family that wasn't close and feeling disconnected. He had the same experiences as me and this added to our bond. The Energy God whispered secrets of the Universe to me that continue to echo in my ears as truth.
"You know everything is really backwards, right? God is really a woman. Everything stems from the woman, the feminine energy that is, but just like the yin and yang, you can't have a whole; one without the other, masculine without feminine." We both brought those energies forth in the conversations we had that could turn from blissful to disappointing in a second.
"With great love comes great pain," he informed me.
I was skeptical. His intensity scared me. But his love captivated me as it was what I'd always dreamt of and manifested. He showed me how he could be extremely loving and how he could be easily hurt. He was very sensitive from beginning to end and everything in between. I saw all the positive and negative in one being intense. He loved me intensely, accepting all parts of me in the details, in the times when I used my little girl voice (that i thought could be annoying), when I whined about life or yelled at people on the road in brief moments of negative energy, he would still be on the end of the phone listening in silence. He never scolded me about my subtle rage, yelling at drivers risking my life! He was still as calm and peaceful as clouds moving in the sky. He emanated peace most of the time until, I would say something like,
"Babe, I really miss my best friend."
"What? Am I chopped liver! You have me right now, here. Why don't you figure out what it is that you miss and then talk to me after you figure it out!!!"
And just like that, the love would be disrupted by how he would take the insecurity he felt in my honest feelings that would mess up his vibe. And, thats where my calmness would take over. I despised how he would take things personally so quickly and easily that there were times I felt he was being unforgiving. I would prod after and ask him why it was necessary to get so angry so quickly or why it was important to take my feelings personally.
"They have nothing to do with you!" I would say passionately.
I wanted our peace again, our magical love that I felt even miles apart.
He would concede and say, "Babe, can we go back to love?" That line always melted me because thats exactly what I wanted all the time but the paradox was that he was the one that was so easily disrupted and I would be the one carrying it on until I fully understood why he was upset in the first place and then with that line, I would concede too and head back to loving him, deeply. In the silence and the noise. He would turn on Bob Marley and sing to me "Stir it up", "Could this be love?" and "Waiting in Vain". Then sang these words to me:
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna wait in vain.
He sang this to me one time when I wanted to get off the phone.
"I gotta go." I said.
"Baby, listen, I'm singing to you!" He said. And continued singing "Waiting in Vain" serenading me lovingly.
I didn't know what I was thinking in trying to get off the phone other than I was starting to fall for him fast and couldn't believe I was feeling this way after a week of talking to this man, this creature who I sought to understand. He was cold, hot but never lukewarm. I loved him and I was afraid of it.
"So baby, am I waiting in vain for your love? Are you just passing through or are you here forever?"
"Mmmmhm, I think I'm here to stay." I wasn't sure about my answer. It was so soon and I was still new at learning him. But this was the kind of love I had yearned for and wanted. The kind where the other is dying to know what I am doing at every hour of the day until it fades to a comfortable unknowingness that gets curious when you both get home from work or whatever happenings of life.
We were powerful together and just as magnificent apart.There were too many parts of him to explore from him mindfully describing to me the point of doing yoga and how people have working out backwards.
"People work from the outside in with their jogging outside and lifting. They got it all wrong, babe-y. We are supposed to work from the inside out to make our insides stronger and develop mental energy. And when one graduates from that then they add the lifting and running."
He gave me so much wisdom in such a short time perhaps thats why our time was so short.
The conversation continued with him and I exchanging compliments, excited at how we felt a strong unexplainable connection with each other. My new bearded acquaintance continued feeding me with compliments sweeter than dessert. It wasn't long before we exchanged numbers, ideas, dreams, thoughts, affection, commonalities, insights, wisdom....love. We became each other's love and his was familiar.
He greeted me daily every morning after my yoga , "Babeyyy, how was yoga? I knew you must have been out of yoga by now!"
Or with a text that said, "I miss you babe."
I never heard that sentence often enough in my whole life before him, It always seemed like words that were hard for any typical guy to say or admit. I had met too many that were afraid of being vulnerable yet, I would say it all the time.
Conversations began for fifteen minutes and soon expanded into hours on end multiple times a day. It was exactly the kind of relationship I had had before but never thought I'd find again so quickly. I treasured him, while I just happened to be seeing someone else (not exclusively) to the point that I put a halt on the other ensuing relationship just to explore The ;Energy God' deeper. We went back and forth daily for about a week on what I should do and who I should choose til finally I chose him. And as I was telling the "Energy God" of what I decided, he wasn't hearing me and had already started talking like he had lost me.
"Okay, lets just go our separate ways now."
"What? Are you hearing me?!! I just said I chose you!! All the things that I want, I WANT with YOU!!" I yelled like I wanted to continue to spell it out to him. He heard me and we silently continued forward.
Every day he brought in a new way of us to share in our spiritual connection, bond and practice.
"Baby, go sit directly into the Sun rays and be still to connect with me so eye can channel this Divine light energy directly to you my sacred Love, this presence awakens you." He texted again after yoga.
I couldn't believe this man was bringing poetry to my ears at every chance he got. This was the kind of love made for hopeful romantics like myself. I got the text late and was headed to grocery store after yoga instead but felt the sun's rays shining through my windshield onto my chest, into my heart and felt his love all over me while driving. Having the "Energy God" in my life was a time in my life where I smiled at everything. People that really know me, know that I do this at any reason in the world to smile about. But with the "Energy God" in my life, my smile turned into a silly grin that I shared with everyone. Everyday after yoga, I would leave the gym and hop into my car and quickly dial my "Energy God" and smile and grin and talk to him emphatically about yoga and the different movements I got and how good it felt to connect to myself. Or share the different energies I felt in class or in the steam room before class. He would get upset for me at people's energies, but it didn't bother me much. I maintained our calm when his was disrupted. We were water together. While one was in the waves, the other was calm and brought in the tide.
And every night before we both would fall asleep he would play every Bob Marley song and I would sing with him "Could you be looooooved, could you be loved?" We both knew the answer...as we fell asleep in each other's thoughts, souls and hearts. I was warm every night with his love.
One day, after much discussion the "Energy God" decided,
"Babe, I feel like we need something thats going to let our egos know that neither of us is going to try to leave so we need to be exclusive in some way."
"Well, how about we go on facebook and change our statuses from 'Single" to leaving it blank?" I suggested as we were in so deep and yet, had still yet to meet each other in person. The love was the most authentic I had known as he proved it to me in sacrificing 4, 5 ,6 hours every day just to hear my voice and I did the same because I loved him and was excited by him. You see, the "Energy God" was celibate and this made our passion for each other and our bond strong because it wasn't based on much of the physical but mostly the spirit which was lacking in all of my previous relationships. I was attracted to this man, and I still am and he was just as attracted to me as I was him. True loves, love you as you are. So when we decided to skype the day after we made our exclusivity official, we knew it was unrealistic to claim a relationship in not having met in person, we decided. So we anxiously got on skype and set up our accounts and he called me. I waited anxiously and could not see him in the darkness of his room. He saw my exasperation. In the silence of waiting for him and our conversations about family and marriage I couldn't help but think back to how he was the only guy I was sure I wasn't afraid of having a child with. I had no doubts at all about that. But in other accounts we were doubtful about each other and I could see that my Energy God's feelings could be hurt easily and that he could get depressed and hurt easily. Hurting and disappointing him was my greatest fear.
He finally went into the bathroom for better lighting so I could see his face. I immediately saw the oil on his face and asked him if he wore it everyday.
"Babe, do you wear that oil on your face at work?"
"No, they make me take it off."
"Oh, I was just gonna say! I couldn't see them letting you work that high-end place wearing it." I retorted.
"Beloved, people don't realize this is protection. Wearing oil protects your sinuses and that is more important to me that trying to have this commercial beauty."
I heard him well. And as he was talking I looked at him more imagining if I could see myself with him long-term, the way he was on video. I wanted to fully accept him but I became afraid of how the depth of my feelings for him were growing so fast and part of me wanted to run from the things I couldn't fully understand. My ego took charge of me. I was afraid of losing myself in him. The Energy God saw it quickly.
"Babe you are asking alot of questions, I can tell by your facial expressions that you are judging me!!! Just like every woman, you ALWAYS try to change a man!! You're just like everyone else!!"
His words hurt and stung me. I was curious, and I sought to understand him. I've learned this by being judged myself by family and friends. I didn't realize that my expressions were hurting him but what was written on my face were question marks on who this person truly was. Then, I noticed his eyelashes and how he was naturally pretty and how he had a natural softness to him. So fragile and easily bruised. My fear came over me once more as I sought to show him I wanted to understand him and how anytime I meet someone it takes some warming up to them. I didn't understand that about myself. Why I saw every man I dated in the beginning as a strange but beautiful creature. Perhaps, this is how I see myself. In each of the men I loved, I saw this as my first ideas of them. But, with the Energy God, I felt his presence in me the most. Out of all the men I felt were my "soul mates", he was the truest one so far and he told me the same. I finally saw myself having the love I desired that I was skeptical I'd ever find. I saw visions of us getting married and being happy. Us sailing in the islands, in the islands where I was from and sailing with him blissfully. He was the only guy that desired to go back to my homeland and live. I didn't appreciate it as much when he first brought it up the first time but I definitely could spend a summer with him on the sand, in the water, gazing into the sun, doing yoga poses with him. All of this would have been perfection. Until, we crashed into each other's egos and our Spirits stopped steering our Loveboat.
After my Energy God felt judged things fell apart inside me. Part of what he was saying was right and after him threatening to walk away from me and leave because he kept saying "Our time is up." And was so easily ready to concede because of all of the past pain he had endured from his family and past loves not being in his spirit with him without trying to change him. I saw him. All of him. And in spite of hurting him I still wanted him but I let my fear override my love. So, after calming him down and reassuring him that I loved him and that I'd "Talk to you later!"
I then, met up with the other guy I had been seeing after asking my Energy God if he'd be upset if I hung out with friends from time to time, he was okay with it. But as I drove out to meet the other guy, something in me changed as I realized there was a good chance that my "Energy God" would always be on the edge of the ledge of trying to end us. I knew, it could be the end of me for a while if I let myself go deeper into his intense love for us. And, I couldn't keep talking someone back into staying with me every other day. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him more forgiving and understanding of me and even-tempered, secure and safe in my love as well. He admitted he was depressed and had bi-polar tendencies. I didn't believe him at first and later saw that it was true. So, that night after feeling numb about my first skype meeting with my love I continued to meet the other guy I had temporarily stopped seeing (but had planned on ending it forever) and he and I picked up where we left off as it was a physical relationship, lacking the spirituality that I was receiving from my Energy God. In my meeting with Barry, (the other guy I had stopped seeing) I broke me and the Energy God's bond and the sacrity of our relationship on purpose out of fear. I lost my truest love.
I didn't call my Energy God til the next morning, knowing that he already knew what happened. We were psychic with each other. I also realized I could never be with Barry, even after he confessed again how much he liked me. I knew he would never morph into my Energy God. And that he and I shared a divine energy the has been unmatched. I called the Energy God and he ignored my phone call. I texted him and asked him if we'd ever see each other again and he wrote a cold "No" back. I expected this. I knew the point at which I broke his and I's bond and I wondered if he knew the point in which he broke it with me. I guess it didn't matter because the greatest feeling we both were on the same page with was the doubt more than the love. But, if there were anyway I could go back in time and mold us better I would, but the only way I could see this happening is if we both were more accepting of each other as we were. Him in me, in my lack of "mindfulness" as he called it in the words I say to him. And me, in being less judging and more mindful of how my curiosity appeared in the questions I was asking. I thought of all this as I cried for what I had grinned about daily in the love that I had treasured was measured by the widest grin on my face everyday that we spoke. I spent the day in bed sobbing, then went out into the sun to feel any part of his love in my chest like I had days ago. I went back inside and reread through our conversations to capture the love in my head and heart and lock it in. After that, I mustered up the strength to go to yoga. Tonight it was a man who was the Yoga Master leading us through the poses.
He said, "I usually don't speak much in yoga. But today, I want you all to realize just like a cow gets more anxious as its trapped in a pen that gets smaller and smaller. Yoga shows us through trying to hold poses and get into them that just like in life we may have emotional stresses and hardships that come, but we must seek deep within to push through these hardships and find the kind of strength needed to push through these hard times just like you reach deep within to nail these poses while watching your breaths. I want you to perform these poses like you are reaching within yourself with all the strength that you have so that when things get hard in real life, you know where to go."
Then, he walked over to his music and the first song was a familiar tune of Bob Marley's "Could you be loved?" And, for the rest of the hour all that played was the full playlist that my Energy God played every night and sang on the phone with me. I cried again as I held every pose tightly and felt my Energy God's love in each breath that I took to hold the pose. All I felt ironically, was great love and great pain. I walked out to my car after that class with the loss of excitement that I no longer had my Energy God to talk to and as another tear fell from my face I reasoned with myself that perhaps maybe, the dance was over because he wasn't the one meant to dance to our music forever. I shook my head. Then, I prayed to God that He would send me the Energy God again where we were both less hurt, less fearful and more grown up, more forgiving, more loving and accepting or to send me someone even greater, if possible when I deserved it. And with that, I found the peace alone, that was the same as the peace the Energy God would give me in silence, on the other end of the phone.
In yoga, the following day, I had let go of the pain some more but kept the love he gave me and distributed it to every part of my body so that it could overflow. In each breath, I realized that Joseph was still in me more than anyone else that had physically been in my presence. I still loved him.
As yoga continued, my body expanded into poses I had never been brave enough to master until now. I felt the most sacred part of myself, my "sacrum" during yoga the most as I held onto the love he had for me and gave it to myself. And in wanting to always maintain the connection that I felt with my Energy God, the energy and love within myself that was sacred, and never wanting to break it again, I made a vow of celibacy to myself until, my soul mate would walk into my life again.
"Happy New Year insightful friend, not sure why I never graced your page to say hi with that gorgeous smile."
"Aww, thank you sweetheart", I replied blushing. I couldn't deny I was already floating after that first sentence.
"My pleasure honey, so bold and beauty with captivating charming smile can melt away any storm! Glad we met love." The 'Energy God' replied.
"Don't you have a poetic way with words.." I said continuing to blush.
Immediately, every time I looked into his eyes I saw magic. I saw myself. I saw my soul mate in his unexplicable energy that was as deep and loving like an ocean that invited me, to explore him in his deepest and bluest waters in each time we spoke. We were both Pisces, the 12th sign and the ultimate sign of love. He was there when I was complaining about the love I hadn't received, or the job I didn't get, or the hardship of growing up with a family that wasn't close and feeling disconnected. He had the same experiences as me and this added to our bond. The Energy God whispered secrets of the Universe to me that continue to echo in my ears as truth.
"You know everything is really backwards, right? God is really a woman. Everything stems from the woman, the feminine energy that is, but just like the yin and yang, you can't have a whole; one without the other, masculine without feminine." We both brought those energies forth in the conversations we had that could turn from blissful to disappointing in a second.
"With great love comes great pain," he informed me.
I was skeptical. His intensity scared me. But his love captivated me as it was what I'd always dreamt of and manifested. He showed me how he could be extremely loving and how he could be easily hurt. He was very sensitive from beginning to end and everything in between. I saw all the positive and negative in one being intense. He loved me intensely, accepting all parts of me in the details, in the times when I used my little girl voice (that i thought could be annoying), when I whined about life or yelled at people on the road in brief moments of negative energy, he would still be on the end of the phone listening in silence. He never scolded me about my subtle rage, yelling at drivers risking my life! He was still as calm and peaceful as clouds moving in the sky. He emanated peace most of the time until, I would say something like,
"Babe, I really miss my best friend."
"What? Am I chopped liver! You have me right now, here. Why don't you figure out what it is that you miss and then talk to me after you figure it out!!!"
And just like that, the love would be disrupted by how he would take the insecurity he felt in my honest feelings that would mess up his vibe. And, thats where my calmness would take over. I despised how he would take things personally so quickly and easily that there were times I felt he was being unforgiving. I would prod after and ask him why it was necessary to get so angry so quickly or why it was important to take my feelings personally.
"They have nothing to do with you!" I would say passionately.
I wanted our peace again, our magical love that I felt even miles apart.
He would concede and say, "Babe, can we go back to love?" That line always melted me because thats exactly what I wanted all the time but the paradox was that he was the one that was so easily disrupted and I would be the one carrying it on until I fully understood why he was upset in the first place and then with that line, I would concede too and head back to loving him, deeply. In the silence and the noise. He would turn on Bob Marley and sing to me "Stir it up", "Could this be love?" and "Waiting in Vain". Then sang these words to me:
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna wait in vain.
He sang this to me one time when I wanted to get off the phone.
"I gotta go." I said.
"Baby, listen, I'm singing to you!" He said. And continued singing "Waiting in Vain" serenading me lovingly.
I didn't know what I was thinking in trying to get off the phone other than I was starting to fall for him fast and couldn't believe I was feeling this way after a week of talking to this man, this creature who I sought to understand. He was cold, hot but never lukewarm. I loved him and I was afraid of it.
"So baby, am I waiting in vain for your love? Are you just passing through or are you here forever?"
"Mmmmhm, I think I'm here to stay." I wasn't sure about my answer. It was so soon and I was still new at learning him. But this was the kind of love I had yearned for and wanted. The kind where the other is dying to know what I am doing at every hour of the day until it fades to a comfortable unknowingness that gets curious when you both get home from work or whatever happenings of life.
We were powerful together and just as magnificent apart.There were too many parts of him to explore from him mindfully describing to me the point of doing yoga and how people have working out backwards.
"People work from the outside in with their jogging outside and lifting. They got it all wrong, babe-y. We are supposed to work from the inside out to make our insides stronger and develop mental energy. And when one graduates from that then they add the lifting and running."
He gave me so much wisdom in such a short time perhaps thats why our time was so short.
The conversation continued with him and I exchanging compliments, excited at how we felt a strong unexplainable connection with each other. My new bearded acquaintance continued feeding me with compliments sweeter than dessert. It wasn't long before we exchanged numbers, ideas, dreams, thoughts, affection, commonalities, insights, wisdom....love. We became each other's love and his was familiar.
He greeted me daily every morning after my yoga , "Babeyyy, how was yoga? I knew you must have been out of yoga by now!"
Or with a text that said, "I miss you babe."
I never heard that sentence often enough in my whole life before him, It always seemed like words that were hard for any typical guy to say or admit. I had met too many that were afraid of being vulnerable yet, I would say it all the time.
Conversations began for fifteen minutes and soon expanded into hours on end multiple times a day. It was exactly the kind of relationship I had had before but never thought I'd find again so quickly. I treasured him, while I just happened to be seeing someone else (not exclusively) to the point that I put a halt on the other ensuing relationship just to explore The ;Energy God' deeper. We went back and forth daily for about a week on what I should do and who I should choose til finally I chose him. And as I was telling the "Energy God" of what I decided, he wasn't hearing me and had already started talking like he had lost me.
"Okay, lets just go our separate ways now."
"What? Are you hearing me?!! I just said I chose you!! All the things that I want, I WANT with YOU!!" I yelled like I wanted to continue to spell it out to him. He heard me and we silently continued forward.
Every day he brought in a new way of us to share in our spiritual connection, bond and practice.
"Baby, go sit directly into the Sun rays and be still to connect with me so eye can channel this Divine light energy directly to you my sacred Love, this presence awakens you." He texted again after yoga.
I couldn't believe this man was bringing poetry to my ears at every chance he got. This was the kind of love made for hopeful romantics like myself. I got the text late and was headed to grocery store after yoga instead but felt the sun's rays shining through my windshield onto my chest, into my heart and felt his love all over me while driving. Having the "Energy God" in my life was a time in my life where I smiled at everything. People that really know me, know that I do this at any reason in the world to smile about. But with the "Energy God" in my life, my smile turned into a silly grin that I shared with everyone. Everyday after yoga, I would leave the gym and hop into my car and quickly dial my "Energy God" and smile and grin and talk to him emphatically about yoga and the different movements I got and how good it felt to connect to myself. Or share the different energies I felt in class or in the steam room before class. He would get upset for me at people's energies, but it didn't bother me much. I maintained our calm when his was disrupted. We were water together. While one was in the waves, the other was calm and brought in the tide.
And every night before we both would fall asleep he would play every Bob Marley song and I would sing with him "Could you be looooooved, could you be loved?" We both knew the answer...as we fell asleep in each other's thoughts, souls and hearts. I was warm every night with his love.
One day, after much discussion the "Energy God" decided,
"Babe, I feel like we need something thats going to let our egos know that neither of us is going to try to leave so we need to be exclusive in some way."
"Well, how about we go on facebook and change our statuses from 'Single" to leaving it blank?" I suggested as we were in so deep and yet, had still yet to meet each other in person. The love was the most authentic I had known as he proved it to me in sacrificing 4, 5 ,6 hours every day just to hear my voice and I did the same because I loved him and was excited by him. You see, the "Energy God" was celibate and this made our passion for each other and our bond strong because it wasn't based on much of the physical but mostly the spirit which was lacking in all of my previous relationships. I was attracted to this man, and I still am and he was just as attracted to me as I was him. True loves, love you as you are. So when we decided to skype the day after we made our exclusivity official, we knew it was unrealistic to claim a relationship in not having met in person, we decided. So we anxiously got on skype and set up our accounts and he called me. I waited anxiously and could not see him in the darkness of his room. He saw my exasperation. In the silence of waiting for him and our conversations about family and marriage I couldn't help but think back to how he was the only guy I was sure I wasn't afraid of having a child with. I had no doubts at all about that. But in other accounts we were doubtful about each other and I could see that my Energy God's feelings could be hurt easily and that he could get depressed and hurt easily. Hurting and disappointing him was my greatest fear.
He finally went into the bathroom for better lighting so I could see his face. I immediately saw the oil on his face and asked him if he wore it everyday.
"Babe, do you wear that oil on your face at work?"
"No, they make me take it off."
"Oh, I was just gonna say! I couldn't see them letting you work that high-end place wearing it." I retorted.
"Beloved, people don't realize this is protection. Wearing oil protects your sinuses and that is more important to me that trying to have this commercial beauty."
I heard him well. And as he was talking I looked at him more imagining if I could see myself with him long-term, the way he was on video. I wanted to fully accept him but I became afraid of how the depth of my feelings for him were growing so fast and part of me wanted to run from the things I couldn't fully understand. My ego took charge of me. I was afraid of losing myself in him. The Energy God saw it quickly.
"Babe you are asking alot of questions, I can tell by your facial expressions that you are judging me!!! Just like every woman, you ALWAYS try to change a man!! You're just like everyone else!!"
His words hurt and stung me. I was curious, and I sought to understand him. I've learned this by being judged myself by family and friends. I didn't realize that my expressions were hurting him but what was written on my face were question marks on who this person truly was. Then, I noticed his eyelashes and how he was naturally pretty and how he had a natural softness to him. So fragile and easily bruised. My fear came over me once more as I sought to show him I wanted to understand him and how anytime I meet someone it takes some warming up to them. I didn't understand that about myself. Why I saw every man I dated in the beginning as a strange but beautiful creature. Perhaps, this is how I see myself. In each of the men I loved, I saw this as my first ideas of them. But, with the Energy God, I felt his presence in me the most. Out of all the men I felt were my "soul mates", he was the truest one so far and he told me the same. I finally saw myself having the love I desired that I was skeptical I'd ever find. I saw visions of us getting married and being happy. Us sailing in the islands, in the islands where I was from and sailing with him blissfully. He was the only guy that desired to go back to my homeland and live. I didn't appreciate it as much when he first brought it up the first time but I definitely could spend a summer with him on the sand, in the water, gazing into the sun, doing yoga poses with him. All of this would have been perfection. Until, we crashed into each other's egos and our Spirits stopped steering our Loveboat.
After my Energy God felt judged things fell apart inside me. Part of what he was saying was right and after him threatening to walk away from me and leave because he kept saying "Our time is up." And was so easily ready to concede because of all of the past pain he had endured from his family and past loves not being in his spirit with him without trying to change him. I saw him. All of him. And in spite of hurting him I still wanted him but I let my fear override my love. So, after calming him down and reassuring him that I loved him and that I'd "Talk to you later!"
I then, met up with the other guy I had been seeing after asking my Energy God if he'd be upset if I hung out with friends from time to time, he was okay with it. But as I drove out to meet the other guy, something in me changed as I realized there was a good chance that my "Energy God" would always be on the edge of the ledge of trying to end us. I knew, it could be the end of me for a while if I let myself go deeper into his intense love for us. And, I couldn't keep talking someone back into staying with me every other day. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him more forgiving and understanding of me and even-tempered, secure and safe in my love as well. He admitted he was depressed and had bi-polar tendencies. I didn't believe him at first and later saw that it was true. So, that night after feeling numb about my first skype meeting with my love I continued to meet the other guy I had temporarily stopped seeing (but had planned on ending it forever) and he and I picked up where we left off as it was a physical relationship, lacking the spirituality that I was receiving from my Energy God. In my meeting with Barry, (the other guy I had stopped seeing) I broke me and the Energy God's bond and the sacrity of our relationship on purpose out of fear. I lost my truest love.
I didn't call my Energy God til the next morning, knowing that he already knew what happened. We were psychic with each other. I also realized I could never be with Barry, even after he confessed again how much he liked me. I knew he would never morph into my Energy God. And that he and I shared a divine energy the has been unmatched. I called the Energy God and he ignored my phone call. I texted him and asked him if we'd ever see each other again and he wrote a cold "No" back. I expected this. I knew the point at which I broke his and I's bond and I wondered if he knew the point in which he broke it with me. I guess it didn't matter because the greatest feeling we both were on the same page with was the doubt more than the love. But, if there were anyway I could go back in time and mold us better I would, but the only way I could see this happening is if we both were more accepting of each other as we were. Him in me, in my lack of "mindfulness" as he called it in the words I say to him. And me, in being less judging and more mindful of how my curiosity appeared in the questions I was asking. I thought of all this as I cried for what I had grinned about daily in the love that I had treasured was measured by the widest grin on my face everyday that we spoke. I spent the day in bed sobbing, then went out into the sun to feel any part of his love in my chest like I had days ago. I went back inside and reread through our conversations to capture the love in my head and heart and lock it in. After that, I mustered up the strength to go to yoga. Tonight it was a man who was the Yoga Master leading us through the poses.
He said, "I usually don't speak much in yoga. But today, I want you all to realize just like a cow gets more anxious as its trapped in a pen that gets smaller and smaller. Yoga shows us through trying to hold poses and get into them that just like in life we may have emotional stresses and hardships that come, but we must seek deep within to push through these hardships and find the kind of strength needed to push through these hard times just like you reach deep within to nail these poses while watching your breaths. I want you to perform these poses like you are reaching within yourself with all the strength that you have so that when things get hard in real life, you know where to go."
Then, he walked over to his music and the first song was a familiar tune of Bob Marley's "Could you be loved?" And, for the rest of the hour all that played was the full playlist that my Energy God played every night and sang on the phone with me. I cried again as I held every pose tightly and felt my Energy God's love in each breath that I took to hold the pose. All I felt ironically, was great love and great pain. I walked out to my car after that class with the loss of excitement that I no longer had my Energy God to talk to and as another tear fell from my face I reasoned with myself that perhaps maybe, the dance was over because he wasn't the one meant to dance to our music forever. I shook my head. Then, I prayed to God that He would send me the Energy God again where we were both less hurt, less fearful and more grown up, more forgiving, more loving and accepting or to send me someone even greater, if possible when I deserved it. And with that, I found the peace alone, that was the same as the peace the Energy God would give me in silence, on the other end of the phone.
In yoga, the following day, I had let go of the pain some more but kept the love he gave me and distributed it to every part of my body so that it could overflow. In each breath, I realized that Joseph was still in me more than anyone else that had physically been in my presence. I still loved him.
As yoga continued, my body expanded into poses I had never been brave enough to master until now. I felt the most sacred part of myself, my "sacrum" during yoga the most as I held onto the love he had for me and gave it to myself. And in wanting to always maintain the connection that I felt with my Energy God, the energy and love within myself that was sacred, and never wanting to break it again, I made a vow of celibacy to myself until, my soul mate would walk into my life again.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Viva Las Vegas!?...Life as I Know It
2 road rage incidences, being scammed, one girl running out in front of my car in the middle of the street at night and almost getting run over by me, having my car hit two times (from the front and back) and being cut off every single time I get on the highway, I'm starting to adopt the belief that this place can be crazier than most. With its "lawlessness" as house guests have described and "laziness" when you see Wal-Mart carts scattered throughout the whole parking lot besides the place where the carts are actually supposed to go, one remains skeptical of calling this place home. I sure have. Common courtesy much? Dare I say Viva...Las Vegas!!?
But I am still hopeful that this new beginning will simply lead to another even better one that I can visualize even better than the last one.
Some great experiences have included the following work adventures like: a stint working at a dancer agency as a phone call girl who made appointments for the escorts. Auditions included talking like Marilyn Munroe or a high-pitched ditzy high school cheerleader because according to the other phone girls, men like "ditzy" and "stupid" when selling appointments over the phone. I was amused by the role and further interested in living this job that was outside of who I am and what I had ever done before. I continued to embrace the work reality until my bills caught up to me faster than the men on the other line would bite for the appointments with "Misty", "Tatiana", or "Nadia". And continued onto something more innocent and in line with my nature.
On-call babysitting, short-term nannying, pet-sitting and just about anything else that could fall from the sky into my lap was where I delightfully ended up. The kids indulged me with wanting to "play catch", "bake cookies", "take pictures", go on field trips, down the slide at the playground or me catching a ball the 7-year old would drop from his parent's room loft and purposely drop it somewhere I had to run to instead of in front of me. Lol-- this was my life as I knew it. Simple and sweet. I once interviewed for a production company to be a recruiter, recruiting anything from stagehands to performers but didn't get a call back after the second interview. I interviewed to be a personal assistant of a self-indulgent singer, reporter, radio show host and writer-- to be juggling her appointments. I gladly did not get a call back as she already set an appointment for me to show up on Friday because she was not confident in the candidates she made me call up who were on their way to interview with me after. I could tell and feel she was the type of person who would try to take advantage of me and emphatically moved forward. I co-mingled with so many small business owners and met a CEO of a big corporation who was reengineering all of the old downtown part of Las Vegas. I had also met his driver, who was also formerly Etta James's driver and spoke of how she was the kind of star who would try to sign her autograph for every fan that approached her. She sounded like a true blue people person who truly appreciated her fans and had a voice of gold. I met and briefly dated a guy who worked the head of security for MGM and had run into many stars from Don Cheadle, Kelly Rowland and Beyonce and had developed perceptions of each from having real conversations with them. But most of all, I liked how anyone out here whom I told "I am a nanny," they would all have accepting responses like, "That so cool!" or, "I wish I could be a nanny, that seems like fun." As opposed to the East coast, where the general reaction was one of distaste, judgment or disapproval. Out here, it seems like many actually like their jobs and don't care what other people think about what they do. It isn't about status, its about art or creating who you are. In the end, this is just a way I make money. I realized more fully, that I don't identify myself with what I do for a living. I never have. However, I want whatever I do to enhance the lives of others and myself in adding life to it or in being of service to others. I don't need to make alot of money and have further realized that to me, time is the most valuable thing because you can never ever get it back. There's always more money to be made.
I have valued my relationships with the people I have worked with, the small businesses I have supported, the bosses who only wanted their team to get along and would be bothered to tears when the team didn't. I have seen a different side of what the workplace can be out here as opposed to what I have seen when I worked in the highly populated corporate America of the East coast. I am so grateful for having these experiences, these contrasts that I would have only gotten if I had moved. I think its important to get out and move around and see what the world is like in your eyes than letting people tell you what it is based on their experiences. This is how we develop our truth. With our own minds and eyes and visions.
Needless to say, I liked the experiences and variety. They were all things I had daydreamed about one time or another when I was a child in grade school. I had alot of time by myself, riding the bus, walking home, doing my homework locked in my room until dinner to let my mind wander to everyone else's stories of life. I was always curious as to what it would be like to be somebody else....and not because I didn't like me, I didn't like my life. So, as a child I'd create all kinds of fantasies of living in other places or see people working jobs and wonder what it was like to be a cook, a teacher, a painter, a singer, a dancer, a principal, the post man or postwoman. My mind was the best place to escape to...all my life felt like a dream anyway. And part of me would know and feel that this place isn't completely real. So why not journey and explore?
With that being said, I was so excited to continue my journey driving from Montana to Las Vegas to meet up with my best friend who I hadn't seen for years. I was so excited. I was picking her up the night she arrived which was the same day I arrived. It felt like fate. Or so I thought. I just knew, I could no longer stay in Montana. The city I was in started to feel like a place people get stuck in. And after not being able to find a job in four weeks I didn't like the pace nor the mentality and figured it was time to leave. Plus, I was starting to feel as if I was overstaying my welcome. So I continued the journey that was another 14 hours and some 800 miles to my next best option of continuing life better than I knew it...Las Vegas.
*********************************************************************************
Besties til the End?
It will never cease to amaze me how friends can feel like you know them so well over the phone but when you meet them in person, its like you are strangers that outgrew each other. This happened once back in Montana and I ended up losing a friend (of 8 years) because of who I thought he was. And now here I was in Las Vegas with my "best friend" and our first interaction was an argument about who was picking her up at the airport after we had already discussed it thoroughly for about 5 minutes the night prior. But, I shrugged it off as I ended up picking her up in spite of her back up plans that were primary plans then back up plans again. When I arrived, we shrieked and squealed and all was good in the world after hugs and compliments, bags in back trunks and looks exchanged with each other where we remembered the other person was real. Not just someone we dreamt up or talked about or to, that lived miles and miles away. We were both real. And, for a long time I finally felt I had a companion as we started out mapping our life in Vegas out together. Taking turns driving each other places, eating dinner and buying meals with and for the other, staying at each other's places, job-hunting and surviving together. It felt good to have a partner in all of life battles that I had fought alone before. This was so new to me to have a really close friend that lived where I lived and perhaps we lost our boundaries somewhere along the way. Because along with the lost boundaries, went respect, honesty, tolerance, acceptance and forgiveness out the window. And even, if I was doing my part, I realized I couldn't make my best friend do what I wanted her to do. So slowly, but surely, we fell apart, especially after I realized that we were spending more time apart than together after constantly inviting her to spend time with me. And thats when I realized my needs more. That to me, having the time and being available to others is what I would like for them to do for me. Be available for me if you love me. So, we went our separate ways and have not spoken since. And, with that example, I imagine thats how marriages end. Two people, if away from each other long enough-- or not present enough with the other in their reality and our own, we can lose the visions we had together if we see that one or both parties were not true to themselves. Thats how we can get "lost in translation". So, I lost my best friend.
I learned the hard way, "that sometimes its not the time that you have known someone to be your friend, its their character" and the way they consistently treat you, and you them. Thats most important.
Life is a series of letting things go......
Along with our friendship, also died "Conversations with K&K". It was my vision and our execution. I was so excited when we first started our radio show that I would listen to the playback three times and giggle to myself! We had finally captured all of our friendship on one recording at a time and shared the connection we had with all of our listeners. Together, we had a good "synergy" as my "best friend" liked to put it. We were most honest to ourselves and each other on the recorded radio show. Our words, even our hesitations can never be taken back. It was so real, candid and entertaining, even people that I included in the show enjoyed listening as well. I was most proud of creating and producing that show together. It was such a work of art that I had such a vision for and now, like many things in life, we must continue forward with new plans. I'm starting to see some of the truest lessons in being an adult is being able to move forward without the people that you love. And, that being able to survive alone is one's greatest asset. And to never clutch so hard onto any one or any thing. It could easily be the end of you. I think it best to learn that now, than later. Don't you?
Before and during my journey out west, I also had made new friends ironically, before I left Virginia. Months before my departure from Virginia, Sunday evenings were filled with aromas of ethnic meals being cooked for the roommates and non-roommates in a big beautiful house in Fairfax. We each took turns cooking and sat at a picnic table as the dining room table with significant others or singles sharing jokes of sex, love, romance, bodily functions, weight loss, diets, etc. We danced and drank and smoked. And all was merry! I miss them.
Or, the other new friend I always bumped into at the gym and then outside the house I worked at while she was walking the dog. She was my neighbor who lived next to the house I nannied at. We were at the same competitions together and shared mutual acquaintances whom we wished we'd never met after standing up for each other. Certainly, we were meant to bump into each other again and make Vegas memories. :)
Or the new friend, Lena, back in Montana, who housed me for two weeks at her and her parents house after my friend of 8 years dumped me and I could no longer stay with his second mother because she had turned into someone who seemed demonically possessed. (I can't help but be candid as far as my travels go. It would be inauthentic to say anything less than what actually happened.) I started to realize and see people for what they showed me, rather than what they consistently spoke to me about. And, in them doing so, it also solidified my character even more of who I want to be ideally and who I can live up to being. And, now that I am away from all of the most familiar people I have known I make sure to meet them face to face when they visit town. Its most important now, because I realize how we forsake seeing each other in the flesh because of technology or distance when we live in the same state or vicinity. But if that gap can ever be bridged its best to see people and meet them and most of all spend time with them because we all have messages for each other to help us out on our journeys and paths. And these messages help to elevate every one of us to the next level of wherever we need to go. That, to me, is fate. So, in driving almost three thousand miles away from home to find myself, my destiny, my fate, my purpose and deeper sense of myself (that I could be proud of), I have re-learned that I most proud of myself and feel purposed when I am serving others. Being honest, transparent, authentic, keeping my word, living up to my own ideals. And, the best way to do that is in giving our time, sharing our lessons, nurturing our people through words, actions, and best of all, through example. And, thats one thing I want to be remembered for wherever I go. Being the real deal.
What do you want to be remembered for?
But I am still hopeful that this new beginning will simply lead to another even better one that I can visualize even better than the last one.
Some great experiences have included the following work adventures like: a stint working at a dancer agency as a phone call girl who made appointments for the escorts. Auditions included talking like Marilyn Munroe or a high-pitched ditzy high school cheerleader because according to the other phone girls, men like "ditzy" and "stupid" when selling appointments over the phone. I was amused by the role and further interested in living this job that was outside of who I am and what I had ever done before. I continued to embrace the work reality until my bills caught up to me faster than the men on the other line would bite for the appointments with "Misty", "Tatiana", or "Nadia". And continued onto something more innocent and in line with my nature.
On-call babysitting, short-term nannying, pet-sitting and just about anything else that could fall from the sky into my lap was where I delightfully ended up. The kids indulged me with wanting to "play catch", "bake cookies", "take pictures", go on field trips, down the slide at the playground or me catching a ball the 7-year old would drop from his parent's room loft and purposely drop it somewhere I had to run to instead of in front of me. Lol-- this was my life as I knew it. Simple and sweet. I once interviewed for a production company to be a recruiter, recruiting anything from stagehands to performers but didn't get a call back after the second interview. I interviewed to be a personal assistant of a self-indulgent singer, reporter, radio show host and writer-- to be juggling her appointments. I gladly did not get a call back as she already set an appointment for me to show up on Friday because she was not confident in the candidates she made me call up who were on their way to interview with me after. I could tell and feel she was the type of person who would try to take advantage of me and emphatically moved forward. I co-mingled with so many small business owners and met a CEO of a big corporation who was reengineering all of the old downtown part of Las Vegas. I had also met his driver, who was also formerly Etta James's driver and spoke of how she was the kind of star who would try to sign her autograph for every fan that approached her. She sounded like a true blue people person who truly appreciated her fans and had a voice of gold. I met and briefly dated a guy who worked the head of security for MGM and had run into many stars from Don Cheadle, Kelly Rowland and Beyonce and had developed perceptions of each from having real conversations with them. But most of all, I liked how anyone out here whom I told "I am a nanny," they would all have accepting responses like, "That so cool!" or, "I wish I could be a nanny, that seems like fun." As opposed to the East coast, where the general reaction was one of distaste, judgment or disapproval. Out here, it seems like many actually like their jobs and don't care what other people think about what they do. It isn't about status, its about art or creating who you are. In the end, this is just a way I make money. I realized more fully, that I don't identify myself with what I do for a living. I never have. However, I want whatever I do to enhance the lives of others and myself in adding life to it or in being of service to others. I don't need to make alot of money and have further realized that to me, time is the most valuable thing because you can never ever get it back. There's always more money to be made.
I have valued my relationships with the people I have worked with, the small businesses I have supported, the bosses who only wanted their team to get along and would be bothered to tears when the team didn't. I have seen a different side of what the workplace can be out here as opposed to what I have seen when I worked in the highly populated corporate America of the East coast. I am so grateful for having these experiences, these contrasts that I would have only gotten if I had moved. I think its important to get out and move around and see what the world is like in your eyes than letting people tell you what it is based on their experiences. This is how we develop our truth. With our own minds and eyes and visions.
Needless to say, I liked the experiences and variety. They were all things I had daydreamed about one time or another when I was a child in grade school. I had alot of time by myself, riding the bus, walking home, doing my homework locked in my room until dinner to let my mind wander to everyone else's stories of life. I was always curious as to what it would be like to be somebody else....and not because I didn't like me, I didn't like my life. So, as a child I'd create all kinds of fantasies of living in other places or see people working jobs and wonder what it was like to be a cook, a teacher, a painter, a singer, a dancer, a principal, the post man or postwoman. My mind was the best place to escape to...all my life felt like a dream anyway. And part of me would know and feel that this place isn't completely real. So why not journey and explore?
With that being said, I was so excited to continue my journey driving from Montana to Las Vegas to meet up with my best friend who I hadn't seen for years. I was so excited. I was picking her up the night she arrived which was the same day I arrived. It felt like fate. Or so I thought. I just knew, I could no longer stay in Montana. The city I was in started to feel like a place people get stuck in. And after not being able to find a job in four weeks I didn't like the pace nor the mentality and figured it was time to leave. Plus, I was starting to feel as if I was overstaying my welcome. So I continued the journey that was another 14 hours and some 800 miles to my next best option of continuing life better than I knew it...Las Vegas.
*********************************************************************************
Besties til the End?
It will never cease to amaze me how friends can feel like you know them so well over the phone but when you meet them in person, its like you are strangers that outgrew each other. This happened once back in Montana and I ended up losing a friend (of 8 years) because of who I thought he was. And now here I was in Las Vegas with my "best friend" and our first interaction was an argument about who was picking her up at the airport after we had already discussed it thoroughly for about 5 minutes the night prior. But, I shrugged it off as I ended up picking her up in spite of her back up plans that were primary plans then back up plans again. When I arrived, we shrieked and squealed and all was good in the world after hugs and compliments, bags in back trunks and looks exchanged with each other where we remembered the other person was real. Not just someone we dreamt up or talked about or to, that lived miles and miles away. We were both real. And, for a long time I finally felt I had a companion as we started out mapping our life in Vegas out together. Taking turns driving each other places, eating dinner and buying meals with and for the other, staying at each other's places, job-hunting and surviving together. It felt good to have a partner in all of life battles that I had fought alone before. This was so new to me to have a really close friend that lived where I lived and perhaps we lost our boundaries somewhere along the way. Because along with the lost boundaries, went respect, honesty, tolerance, acceptance and forgiveness out the window. And even, if I was doing my part, I realized I couldn't make my best friend do what I wanted her to do. So slowly, but surely, we fell apart, especially after I realized that we were spending more time apart than together after constantly inviting her to spend time with me. And thats when I realized my needs more. That to me, having the time and being available to others is what I would like for them to do for me. Be available for me if you love me. So, we went our separate ways and have not spoken since. And, with that example, I imagine thats how marriages end. Two people, if away from each other long enough-- or not present enough with the other in their reality and our own, we can lose the visions we had together if we see that one or both parties were not true to themselves. Thats how we can get "lost in translation". So, I lost my best friend.
I learned the hard way, "that sometimes its not the time that you have known someone to be your friend, its their character" and the way they consistently treat you, and you them. Thats most important.
Life is a series of letting things go......
Along with our friendship, also died "Conversations with K&K". It was my vision and our execution. I was so excited when we first started our radio show that I would listen to the playback three times and giggle to myself! We had finally captured all of our friendship on one recording at a time and shared the connection we had with all of our listeners. Together, we had a good "synergy" as my "best friend" liked to put it. We were most honest to ourselves and each other on the recorded radio show. Our words, even our hesitations can never be taken back. It was so real, candid and entertaining, even people that I included in the show enjoyed listening as well. I was most proud of creating and producing that show together. It was such a work of art that I had such a vision for and now, like many things in life, we must continue forward with new plans. I'm starting to see some of the truest lessons in being an adult is being able to move forward without the people that you love. And, that being able to survive alone is one's greatest asset. And to never clutch so hard onto any one or any thing. It could easily be the end of you. I think it best to learn that now, than later. Don't you?
Before and during my journey out west, I also had made new friends ironically, before I left Virginia. Months before my departure from Virginia, Sunday evenings were filled with aromas of ethnic meals being cooked for the roommates and non-roommates in a big beautiful house in Fairfax. We each took turns cooking and sat at a picnic table as the dining room table with significant others or singles sharing jokes of sex, love, romance, bodily functions, weight loss, diets, etc. We danced and drank and smoked. And all was merry! I miss them.
Or, the other new friend I always bumped into at the gym and then outside the house I worked at while she was walking the dog. She was my neighbor who lived next to the house I nannied at. We were at the same competitions together and shared mutual acquaintances whom we wished we'd never met after standing up for each other. Certainly, we were meant to bump into each other again and make Vegas memories. :)
Or the new friend, Lena, back in Montana, who housed me for two weeks at her and her parents house after my friend of 8 years dumped me and I could no longer stay with his second mother because she had turned into someone who seemed demonically possessed. (I can't help but be candid as far as my travels go. It would be inauthentic to say anything less than what actually happened.) I started to realize and see people for what they showed me, rather than what they consistently spoke to me about. And, in them doing so, it also solidified my character even more of who I want to be ideally and who I can live up to being. And, now that I am away from all of the most familiar people I have known I make sure to meet them face to face when they visit town. Its most important now, because I realize how we forsake seeing each other in the flesh because of technology or distance when we live in the same state or vicinity. But if that gap can ever be bridged its best to see people and meet them and most of all spend time with them because we all have messages for each other to help us out on our journeys and paths. And these messages help to elevate every one of us to the next level of wherever we need to go. That, to me, is fate. So, in driving almost three thousand miles away from home to find myself, my destiny, my fate, my purpose and deeper sense of myself (that I could be proud of), I have re-learned that I most proud of myself and feel purposed when I am serving others. Being honest, transparent, authentic, keeping my word, living up to my own ideals. And, the best way to do that is in giving our time, sharing our lessons, nurturing our people through words, actions, and best of all, through example. And, thats one thing I want to be remembered for wherever I go. Being the real deal.
What do you want to be remembered for?
Thursday, January 1, 2015
My Montana, Week 2
The following weekend after David and I's conversation it seemed he took it to heart. He made plans for us and his gang of friends to go out "river floating" and then go cliff jumping. So, he gathered rafts and paddles and drinks and food. There were ten of us that he invited and 9 showed up including myself. We met at a local Target and then began the hour drive down to a small town called Craig. David was mindful of everyone taking the lead for any issue that occurred and leading the way. I met the other girls that were there and we made small talk that turned into innocent curiosity on whether David and I were seeing each other. I smiled coyly and said, "Well, he hasn't spoken to me about his feelings yet." And left it at that. Meanwhile, David was in the distance talking and laughing with the other girls in the distance after we had docked on a sand bar for 20 minutes. We had been floating for about two hours before we decided to rest. Our next stop was to go cliff jumping. So some of us swam, drank and listened to music while making jokes and having a good time. Everyone in the group was related to the Air Force in one way or another whether they were a girlfriend, an ex-wife, a new friend, an old friend or a member. We were all having a good time getting tipsy. I ferociously was using my paddle to keep the rafts on course. The river current was said to be one of the deadliest in the county. Even expert swimmers had been known to drown in this river.
An hour later, we finally made it to the cliff we would jump from. All of us excitedly got out of the rafts, except for Ecko (one of the girlfriends) who was set on not jumping while enjoying being intoxicated. I started climbing up the mountain when i heard my name being called, "Kristen!!1 Kristen!!! Come over here!!!" "Kristen!!?"
"I'm coming. I'm coming." I spoke. It was David. Apparently he was making an effort to finally treat me like his friend he gave a shit about. Alarming. I continued to climb carefully over to him and feared what I was about to do, until it became something WE were about to do together. I was afraid of heights and as i peered down several feet below me I had second thoughts.
"Alright Kristen, at the count of three we are going to jump together." He held my hand tightly and protectively.
"Ah..okay." I said warily.
"1...2...3..."
We jumped. Cliff jumped.
I screamed ALL the way down into the water and came up for air gasping as I had swallowed the lake water.
"Kristen, hug your knees to your chest!!! Hug your knees to your chest!!" David cautioned.
I felt like a wet dog that didn't know how to swim. Thank God for my life jacket!! I thought to myself.
He pulled me the rest of the way to shore and i had never been more grateful for my life!! Everyone else got their chance to go cliff jumping with him. He made sure that mission was accomplished. After we all survived we continued to paddle down the river to where we had parked one of our cars to take us all back to the main entrance of the camp ground. Once we arrived to the end we all decided to have a cook out at one of the guys's house on base where we would grill and smoke hookah.
The drive back, David and Tiffany, the girl who rode with us seemed to have alot in common as they hung onto each other's words.
"Tiffany, we'll pick you up later on tonight when we are going to the party."
"Ok David." She said caught off guard.
***********************************************************************************
We both got into my car and rode over to Albertsons to get more food for the cookout after picking Tiffany up. David and Tiffany began talking again as I drived. When we got there, they teamed up and seasoned the meat and veggies together. Tiffany seasoned while David mixed the meat up in the bowl before he would mold them into patties. I, was hanging with the other girls taking shots, playing cards and smoking hookah. I was clearly determined on having a good time. My feelings for David wavered. At times, I found myself really caring about him and then in other moments I felt he was the biggest douche bag. Either way, I was here and trying to make the best out of every situation and letting go things was becoming easier and easier the longer I was away from home.
One by one, people began to go home to their kids or with their significant others and it was just the four of us left. The host, Brian, David, Tiffany and me. David was seeming particularly interested in Tiffany and didn't seem to mind flirting with her in front of me as he reached over and twisted her bracelet around on her wrist to see what was engraved on it. I was confused about David's boundaries and exactly what he was trying to accomplish as he stared over at me and asked me a question I completely missed. And just like that, any romantic feeling I'd ever had for David started to die out for good. It got late and after playing a round of truth or dare and him sharing some crazy situations with all of us about his escapades made me think less of him. I drove us all home and gave Tiffany a hug, where David followed behind and gave her one too that looked awkward. I didn't understand what he was trying to do, but whatever it was I didn't like it and was not moved by his intentions.
***********************************************************************************
The next morning I had slept in and made myself breakfast. David was gone. The phone rang.
"Kristen, whats this David told me about you expecting to be paid for helping me out?" It was Miss Liz.
"Excuse me? I never told David I was expecting to be paid. I told him the opposite." I retorted.
"Well, Kristen, it seems like we need to sit down and have a talk. Is David around right now? Have him and you come over and we will all sit down and talk this out. I don't like there being misunderstandings."
"Ok, i can call him now and have us meet in twenty minutes. Does that work?"
"Yes. The sooner the better."
I called David. He didn't answer so i texted instead.
In 30 minutes we were both over at Miss Liz's house about to talk things out on the business.
I was boiling upset. David knew I was going to talk to Miss Liz about the work and money situation. How dare he throw me under the bus!!!! I felt so betrayed. He clearly respected Miss Liz more than he respected me to confide in her after he and I had our discussion about his concerns about me not being paid by her.
I entered into the house after getting off the phone with my best friend about the situation. I was starting to see that my decision to come out to Montana wasn't the what I had planned.
As soon as i made it in the door, Miss Liz called for me in the basement where i found David sitting next to her eating her food. He's such a mama's boy. I thought.
"Alright, yall need to tell me what's going on." Miss Liz spoke. "Whats this about you thinking you were to be paid, Kristen?"
"You know Miss Liz, it was David who wanted me to ask you if you were paying me for helping you out with your business, but I said to him that i didn't feel right asking someone who is sick and about to be going into surgery, 'Hey how much are you paying me?' I said to him i thought that was insensitive."
"I don't know why David feels he needs to get in the middle of this. No one told him to talk to you about me and you. I told him i would talk to you about this two days ago and that I would talk to you about it before your surgery." I continued.
An hour later, we finally made it to the cliff we would jump from. All of us excitedly got out of the rafts, except for Ecko (one of the girlfriends) who was set on not jumping while enjoying being intoxicated. I started climbing up the mountain when i heard my name being called, "Kristen!!1 Kristen!!! Come over here!!!" "Kristen!!?"
"I'm coming. I'm coming." I spoke. It was David. Apparently he was making an effort to finally treat me like his friend he gave a shit about. Alarming. I continued to climb carefully over to him and feared what I was about to do, until it became something WE were about to do together. I was afraid of heights and as i peered down several feet below me I had second thoughts.
"Alright Kristen, at the count of three we are going to jump together." He held my hand tightly and protectively.
"Ah..okay." I said warily.
"1...2...3..."
We jumped. Cliff jumped.
I screamed ALL the way down into the water and came up for air gasping as I had swallowed the lake water.
"Kristen, hug your knees to your chest!!! Hug your knees to your chest!!" David cautioned.
I felt like a wet dog that didn't know how to swim. Thank God for my life jacket!! I thought to myself.
He pulled me the rest of the way to shore and i had never been more grateful for my life!! Everyone else got their chance to go cliff jumping with him. He made sure that mission was accomplished. After we all survived we continued to paddle down the river to where we had parked one of our cars to take us all back to the main entrance of the camp ground. Once we arrived to the end we all decided to have a cook out at one of the guys's house on base where we would grill and smoke hookah.
The drive back, David and Tiffany, the girl who rode with us seemed to have alot in common as they hung onto each other's words.
"Tiffany, we'll pick you up later on tonight when we are going to the party."
"Ok David." She said caught off guard.
***********************************************************************************
We both got into my car and rode over to Albertsons to get more food for the cookout after picking Tiffany up. David and Tiffany began talking again as I drived. When we got there, they teamed up and seasoned the meat and veggies together. Tiffany seasoned while David mixed the meat up in the bowl before he would mold them into patties. I, was hanging with the other girls taking shots, playing cards and smoking hookah. I was clearly determined on having a good time. My feelings for David wavered. At times, I found myself really caring about him and then in other moments I felt he was the biggest douche bag. Either way, I was here and trying to make the best out of every situation and letting go things was becoming easier and easier the longer I was away from home.
One by one, people began to go home to their kids or with their significant others and it was just the four of us left. The host, Brian, David, Tiffany and me. David was seeming particularly interested in Tiffany and didn't seem to mind flirting with her in front of me as he reached over and twisted her bracelet around on her wrist to see what was engraved on it. I was confused about David's boundaries and exactly what he was trying to accomplish as he stared over at me and asked me a question I completely missed. And just like that, any romantic feeling I'd ever had for David started to die out for good. It got late and after playing a round of truth or dare and him sharing some crazy situations with all of us about his escapades made me think less of him. I drove us all home and gave Tiffany a hug, where David followed behind and gave her one too that looked awkward. I didn't understand what he was trying to do, but whatever it was I didn't like it and was not moved by his intentions.
***********************************************************************************
The next morning I had slept in and made myself breakfast. David was gone. The phone rang.
"Kristen, whats this David told me about you expecting to be paid for helping me out?" It was Miss Liz.
"Excuse me? I never told David I was expecting to be paid. I told him the opposite." I retorted.
"Well, Kristen, it seems like we need to sit down and have a talk. Is David around right now? Have him and you come over and we will all sit down and talk this out. I don't like there being misunderstandings."
"Ok, i can call him now and have us meet in twenty minutes. Does that work?"
"Yes. The sooner the better."
I called David. He didn't answer so i texted instead.
In 30 minutes we were both over at Miss Liz's house about to talk things out on the business.
I was boiling upset. David knew I was going to talk to Miss Liz about the work and money situation. How dare he throw me under the bus!!!! I felt so betrayed. He clearly respected Miss Liz more than he respected me to confide in her after he and I had our discussion about his concerns about me not being paid by her.
I entered into the house after getting off the phone with my best friend about the situation. I was starting to see that my decision to come out to Montana wasn't the what I had planned.
As soon as i made it in the door, Miss Liz called for me in the basement where i found David sitting next to her eating her food. He's such a mama's boy. I thought.
"Alright, yall need to tell me what's going on." Miss Liz spoke. "Whats this about you thinking you were to be paid, Kristen?"
"You know Miss Liz, it was David who wanted me to ask you if you were paying me for helping you out with your business, but I said to him that i didn't feel right asking someone who is sick and about to be going into surgery, 'Hey how much are you paying me?' I said to him i thought that was insensitive."
"I don't know why David feels he needs to get in the middle of this. No one told him to talk to you about me and you. I told him i would talk to you about this two days ago and that I would talk to you about it before your surgery." I continued.
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