Empower Yourself

Thats what Mom said, "Kristen, empower yourself."

As though she had just learned it for herself.

It all began 10 days before Christmas. My mom had called everyone for a family meeting. I was sitting on a chair in our sitting room, my sister and brother were both standing and my mother was sitting silent with glazed eyes in the chair across from me. I will never forget that day and numbness I felt. Chills go up and down my body in writing this right now for how cold it felt that day.

My mom first came downstairs to my room first thing in the morning as I was laying down. I was the first person she told. It must have been around 9am. She came to me with the phone in her hands shaking and gasps of air flowed out of her mouth so much that I thought someone had died. Yes, something did die that day. Her relationship to my father died. After 32 years we all sat in the sitting room with blank expressions, then confused ones, then ones of disbelief, ones of sadness and grief. I remember my sister cussing out my father, then my brother asking a multitude of questions like he was in a bad dream he'd wake up from. He never did. We never did.

My father had decided that again, after 32 years of marriage that he no longer was "in love with our mother".

We celebrated Christmas without him that year. We all knew there was someone else in the picture. Whoever it was, it didn't matter. Selfishness was in the picture more than love was when it came to my father. And perhaps it had been on its way for a while then. All I saw was how my mother reacted afterwards and how the pain took over her life for a while and how everyone made their attempts to heal her.

I was already going through a recent break up, then my car dying a day before my parents separating and then two weeks later I was let go at my job.  Yup, quadruple whammy. I realized that life has a way of not caring about you sometimes or showing you that you must be your own rock and to hang onto the love you give yourself and others as the way to pull you through. I loved that job, I loved my car, but they were both things. I loved my father, who I thought he was, the things that he did that took care of me and the way he took care of my mother until they began to break her down and her hair was starting to fall out and started to eat less and less. Its always a bit eye-opening the impact we can have on each other if we don't claim our power first. Its not hard to become powerless if you choose to become a victim to life.
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This past weekend, I lost in a competition and did not place. I did not walk away with a coveted trophy or medal. I walked away with nothing but the lesson of trying and the pride of completing something I had yearned for. And it felt soo good to bring my best self confidently to a stage without shaking, without doubting, without being afraid. And to some, that may seem like nothing. But to me, it was and still is a great win. Others asked me, "Kristen, how did you feel when you didn't place?" I had to think about it for a while because I felt more shocked and then a bit disappointed and then both of those feelings faded because I realize that I value my personal life more than my professional life so much more so "losing" in this competition really didn't feel that bad. :) I am loved. I am loving. I will continue to be love, to be loved, to be loving. And that keeps me smiling, grounded and thinking about others. That's what keeps me asking the cashier at Dunkin Donuts for ten creams when I only need two (a day after the show) because I'm thinking of the person behind me who may want more cream in their coffee. Or the guy at the gas station who just pulled out of the spot that I'm pulling into but his gas tank lid is still open and I'm hesitant to pull into the spot, or saying "Hi" to someone who is looking at the ground like they had the worst day in the world-- because somewhere along the way, that person was me. And perhaps there was someone who did all those things for me in those times, and then there were days when they didn't and I expected little to nothing. And on the days when someone showed me love, that was winning, and on the days when they didn't and I chose to show myself love, that was also winning. You see, we choose to be winners or losers in whatever life brings our way.
I feel my happiest when I reach out to hold someone's hand and they hold it back and that to me, is a win. Or I hug someone the tightest I can hold them and I'm able to be vulnerable with them and they hug me back with their tightest, warmest hug, that is winning. Or I tell my best friend that I love her and that she is "the love of my life" and she gasps and smiles over the phone "So are you!" Or, I kiss and am kissed passionately with all the love I have inside of me and that is winning.  Or my mom buys my favorite apple and says to me "How did I know this was your favorite?" she says smiling. We never forget the way people make us feel, or the way things make us feel. But for me, I value the way people make me feel more, or  better yet, the way I make myself feel when I'm going after something I want, when I am sharing my best self, when I'm thinking of others or trying to be love to them in my own special way that no one else can. That is empowering myself. So, after feeling a bit upset about the outcomes of life in the past weekend I had to remind myself of who I am, of what I did, of what my intentions were for myself and others involved and how I felt love. I still won in so many ways throughout those hardships and I'm still proud of all that I am doing, becoming and being. I gave of myself. And there is nothing that I lost in doing that. Because its all propelling me to catching my ultimate dreams and lessons in my personal and professional life.

My mother is also taking her own advice as she does activities like Zumba, or is going to events on the weekend like the AppleButter Festival and sharing her treats with us like Pumpkin Butter. We, my family, are having family fun nights every couple of weeks where we get together and do things like Breakfast for Dinner aka Brinner. Or movie night.  And these are things we have never done until now, until after my father left us. He blessed us. At the end of the day, people do whats best for them. We choose what suits us best. I have learned that when things get uncomfortable, I must be doing the right thing. Because life is teaching me something about hope, faith, love and belief. There was a point when I did want to quit doing shows last week, when I was feeling the stress of having to have my head always in the game so to speak. Its so much easier to quit anything when things get hard. And for me, thats been easy to do in my professional life. I would trade in the things I like for the things I love any day. Go where your passion is because it allows you to be and share your best.

I will always know that love is most important. Therefore, I won't give up on people I love, thats much easier not to do. Its easy for me to let go of things, much easier than it is to let go of myself, my habits, my ways, my loves. And I must think of whats most important, letting go of myself, letting go of my dreams or letting go of others, like my father.

All in all, we must let go of the things that may be most important to us (when required), like all of the above and sometimes, just maybe, they have a tendency of finding their way right back where they belong. With us. With me. In my heart. In my soul. In my spirit. In my hands.

So, with that said. After getting mentally stressed about life, about love, about my dreams and struggles I decided to move forward. Forward towards my best self that goes far beyond the competition me, but someday towards greater things like being a mom, being a wife, being an aunt, being a mentor, being a best friend, being a teacher, being support, being there. Those are the things that are most important that I already have. That I already am.
So whomever you are, whatever you do, Empower you.