To my future husband: I want to be your mistress, your "sidechick", your baby mama, your swolemate, your soulmate, your friday night date, your girlfriend, your "mirror", your buddy, your number one fan, your sous chef, your masseuse, your greatest support, the other hand you hold, your activity partner, your best friend, the love of your life, main squeeze, ride or die, Bonnie and Clyde....but most of all and best of all, your wife.
Signed,
Your other half
#HappyLOVEday
Friday, February 6, 2015
My Dance with The Energy God
"Take my heart and please don't break it. Love was made for me and you...."
"Happy New Year insightful friend, not sure why I never graced your page to say hi with that gorgeous smile."
"Aww, thank you sweetheart", I replied blushing. I couldn't deny I was already floating after that first sentence.
"My pleasure honey, so bold and beauty with captivating charming smile can melt away any storm! Glad we met love." The 'Energy God' replied.
"Don't you have a poetic way with words.." I said continuing to blush.
Immediately, every time I looked into his eyes I saw magic. I saw myself. I saw my soul mate in his unexplicable energy that was as deep and loving like an ocean that invited me, to explore him in his deepest and bluest waters in each time we spoke. We were both Pisces, the 12th sign and the ultimate sign of love. He was there when I was complaining about the love I hadn't received, or the job I didn't get, or the hardship of growing up with a family that wasn't close and feeling disconnected. He had the same experiences as me and this added to our bond. The Energy God whispered secrets of the Universe to me that continue to echo in my ears as truth.
"You know everything is really backwards, right? God is really a woman. Everything stems from the woman, the feminine energy that is, but just like the yin and yang, you can't have a whole; one without the other, masculine without feminine." We both brought those energies forth in the conversations we had that could turn from blissful to disappointing in a second.
"With great love comes great pain," he informed me.
I was skeptical. His intensity scared me. But his love captivated me as it was what I'd always dreamt of and manifested. He showed me how he could be extremely loving and how he could be easily hurt. He was very sensitive from beginning to end and everything in between. I saw all the positive and negative in one being intense. He loved me intensely, accepting all parts of me in the details, in the times when I used my little girl voice (that i thought could be annoying), when I whined about life or yelled at people on the road in brief moments of negative energy, he would still be on the end of the phone listening in silence. He never scolded me about my subtle rage, yelling at drivers risking my life! He was still as calm and peaceful as clouds moving in the sky. He emanated peace most of the time until, I would say something like,
"Babe, I really miss my best friend."
"What? Am I chopped liver! You have me right now, here. Why don't you figure out what it is that you miss and then talk to me after you figure it out!!!"
And just like that, the love would be disrupted by how he would take the insecurity he felt in my honest feelings that would mess up his vibe. And, thats where my calmness would take over. I despised how he would take things personally so quickly and easily that there were times I felt he was being unforgiving. I would prod after and ask him why it was necessary to get so angry so quickly or why it was important to take my feelings personally.
"They have nothing to do with you!" I would say passionately.
I wanted our peace again, our magical love that I felt even miles apart.
He would concede and say, "Babe, can we go back to love?" That line always melted me because thats exactly what I wanted all the time but the paradox was that he was the one that was so easily disrupted and I would be the one carrying it on until I fully understood why he was upset in the first place and then with that line, I would concede too and head back to loving him, deeply. In the silence and the noise. He would turn on Bob Marley and sing to me "Stir it up", "Could this be love?" and "Waiting in Vain". Then sang these words to me:
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna wait in vain.
He sang this to me one time when I wanted to get off the phone.
"I gotta go." I said.
"Baby, listen, I'm singing to you!" He said. And continued singing "Waiting in Vain" serenading me lovingly.
I didn't know what I was thinking in trying to get off the phone other than I was starting to fall for him fast and couldn't believe I was feeling this way after a week of talking to this man, this creature who I sought to understand. He was cold, hot but never lukewarm. I loved him and I was afraid of it.
"So baby, am I waiting in vain for your love? Are you just passing through or are you here forever?"
"Mmmmhm, I think I'm here to stay." I wasn't sure about my answer. It was so soon and I was still new at learning him. But this was the kind of love I had yearned for and wanted. The kind where the other is dying to know what I am doing at every hour of the day until it fades to a comfortable unknowingness that gets curious when you both get home from work or whatever happenings of life.
We were powerful together and just as magnificent apart.There were too many parts of him to explore from him mindfully describing to me the point of doing yoga and how people have working out backwards.
"People work from the outside in with their jogging outside and lifting. They got it all wrong, babe-y. We are supposed to work from the inside out to make our insides stronger and develop mental energy. And when one graduates from that then they add the lifting and running."
He gave me so much wisdom in such a short time perhaps thats why our time was so short.
The conversation continued with him and I exchanging compliments, excited at how we felt a strong unexplainable connection with each other. My new bearded acquaintance continued feeding me with compliments sweeter than dessert. It wasn't long before we exchanged numbers, ideas, dreams, thoughts, affection, commonalities, insights, wisdom....love. We became each other's love and his was familiar.
He greeted me daily every morning after my yoga , "Babeyyy, how was yoga? I knew you must have been out of yoga by now!"
Or with a text that said, "I miss you babe."
I never heard that sentence often enough in my whole life before him, It always seemed like words that were hard for any typical guy to say or admit. I had met too many that were afraid of being vulnerable yet, I would say it all the time.
Conversations began for fifteen minutes and soon expanded into hours on end multiple times a day. It was exactly the kind of relationship I had had before but never thought I'd find again so quickly. I treasured him, while I just happened to be seeing someone else (not exclusively) to the point that I put a halt on the other ensuing relationship just to explore The ;Energy God' deeper. We went back and forth daily for about a week on what I should do and who I should choose til finally I chose him. And as I was telling the "Energy God" of what I decided, he wasn't hearing me and had already started talking like he had lost me.
"Okay, lets just go our separate ways now."
"What? Are you hearing me?!! I just said I chose you!! All the things that I want, I WANT with YOU!!" I yelled like I wanted to continue to spell it out to him. He heard me and we silently continued forward.
Every day he brought in a new way of us to share in our spiritual connection, bond and practice.
"Baby, go sit directly into the Sun rays and be still to connect with me so eye can channel this Divine light energy directly to you my sacred Love, this presence awakens you." He texted again after yoga.
I couldn't believe this man was bringing poetry to my ears at every chance he got. This was the kind of love made for hopeful romantics like myself. I got the text late and was headed to grocery store after yoga instead but felt the sun's rays shining through my windshield onto my chest, into my heart and felt his love all over me while driving. Having the "Energy God" in my life was a time in my life where I smiled at everything. People that really know me, know that I do this at any reason in the world to smile about. But with the "Energy God" in my life, my smile turned into a silly grin that I shared with everyone. Everyday after yoga, I would leave the gym and hop into my car and quickly dial my "Energy God" and smile and grin and talk to him emphatically about yoga and the different movements I got and how good it felt to connect to myself. Or share the different energies I felt in class or in the steam room before class. He would get upset for me at people's energies, but it didn't bother me much. I maintained our calm when his was disrupted. We were water together. While one was in the waves, the other was calm and brought in the tide.
And every night before we both would fall asleep he would play every Bob Marley song and I would sing with him "Could you be looooooved, could you be loved?" We both knew the answer...as we fell asleep in each other's thoughts, souls and hearts. I was warm every night with his love.
One day, after much discussion the "Energy God" decided,
"Babe, I feel like we need something thats going to let our egos know that neither of us is going to try to leave so we need to be exclusive in some way."
"Well, how about we go on facebook and change our statuses from 'Single" to leaving it blank?" I suggested as we were in so deep and yet, had still yet to meet each other in person. The love was the most authentic I had known as he proved it to me in sacrificing 4, 5 ,6 hours every day just to hear my voice and I did the same because I loved him and was excited by him. You see, the "Energy God" was celibate and this made our passion for each other and our bond strong because it wasn't based on much of the physical but mostly the spirit which was lacking in all of my previous relationships. I was attracted to this man, and I still am and he was just as attracted to me as I was him. True loves, love you as you are. So when we decided to skype the day after we made our exclusivity official, we knew it was unrealistic to claim a relationship in not having met in person, we decided. So we anxiously got on skype and set up our accounts and he called me. I waited anxiously and could not see him in the darkness of his room. He saw my exasperation. In the silence of waiting for him and our conversations about family and marriage I couldn't help but think back to how he was the only guy I was sure I wasn't afraid of having a child with. I had no doubts at all about that. But in other accounts we were doubtful about each other and I could see that my Energy God's feelings could be hurt easily and that he could get depressed and hurt easily. Hurting and disappointing him was my greatest fear.
He finally went into the bathroom for better lighting so I could see his face. I immediately saw the oil on his face and asked him if he wore it everyday.
"Babe, do you wear that oil on your face at work?"
"No, they make me take it off."
"Oh, I was just gonna say! I couldn't see them letting you work that high-end place wearing it." I retorted.
"Beloved, people don't realize this is protection. Wearing oil protects your sinuses and that is more important to me that trying to have this commercial beauty."
I heard him well. And as he was talking I looked at him more imagining if I could see myself with him long-term, the way he was on video. I wanted to fully accept him but I became afraid of how the depth of my feelings for him were growing so fast and part of me wanted to run from the things I couldn't fully understand. My ego took charge of me. I was afraid of losing myself in him. The Energy God saw it quickly.
"Babe you are asking alot of questions, I can tell by your facial expressions that you are judging me!!! Just like every woman, you ALWAYS try to change a man!! You're just like everyone else!!"
His words hurt and stung me. I was curious, and I sought to understand him. I've learned this by being judged myself by family and friends. I didn't realize that my expressions were hurting him but what was written on my face were question marks on who this person truly was. Then, I noticed his eyelashes and how he was naturally pretty and how he had a natural softness to him. So fragile and easily bruised. My fear came over me once more as I sought to show him I wanted to understand him and how anytime I meet someone it takes some warming up to them. I didn't understand that about myself. Why I saw every man I dated in the beginning as a strange but beautiful creature. Perhaps, this is how I see myself. In each of the men I loved, I saw this as my first ideas of them. But, with the Energy God, I felt his presence in me the most. Out of all the men I felt were my "soul mates", he was the truest one so far and he told me the same. I finally saw myself having the love I desired that I was skeptical I'd ever find. I saw visions of us getting married and being happy. Us sailing in the islands, in the islands where I was from and sailing with him blissfully. He was the only guy that desired to go back to my homeland and live. I didn't appreciate it as much when he first brought it up the first time but I definitely could spend a summer with him on the sand, in the water, gazing into the sun, doing yoga poses with him. All of this would have been perfection. Until, we crashed into each other's egos and our Spirits stopped steering our Loveboat.
After my Energy God felt judged things fell apart inside me. Part of what he was saying was right and after him threatening to walk away from me and leave because he kept saying "Our time is up." And was so easily ready to concede because of all of the past pain he had endured from his family and past loves not being in his spirit with him without trying to change him. I saw him. All of him. And in spite of hurting him I still wanted him but I let my fear override my love. So, after calming him down and reassuring him that I loved him and that I'd "Talk to you later!"
I then, met up with the other guy I had been seeing after asking my Energy God if he'd be upset if I hung out with friends from time to time, he was okay with it. But as I drove out to meet the other guy, something in me changed as I realized there was a good chance that my "Energy God" would always be on the edge of the ledge of trying to end us. I knew, it could be the end of me for a while if I let myself go deeper into his intense love for us. And, I couldn't keep talking someone back into staying with me every other day. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him more forgiving and understanding of me and even-tempered, secure and safe in my love as well. He admitted he was depressed and had bi-polar tendencies. I didn't believe him at first and later saw that it was true. So, that night after feeling numb about my first skype meeting with my love I continued to meet the other guy I had temporarily stopped seeing (but had planned on ending it forever) and he and I picked up where we left off as it was a physical relationship, lacking the spirituality that I was receiving from my Energy God. In my meeting with Barry, (the other guy I had stopped seeing) I broke me and the Energy God's bond and the sacrity of our relationship on purpose out of fear. I lost my truest love.
I didn't call my Energy God til the next morning, knowing that he already knew what happened. We were psychic with each other. I also realized I could never be with Barry, even after he confessed again how much he liked me. I knew he would never morph into my Energy God. And that he and I shared a divine energy the has been unmatched. I called the Energy God and he ignored my phone call. I texted him and asked him if we'd ever see each other again and he wrote a cold "No" back. I expected this. I knew the point at which I broke his and I's bond and I wondered if he knew the point in which he broke it with me. I guess it didn't matter because the greatest feeling we both were on the same page with was the doubt more than the love. But, if there were anyway I could go back in time and mold us better I would, but the only way I could see this happening is if we both were more accepting of each other as we were. Him in me, in my lack of "mindfulness" as he called it in the words I say to him. And me, in being less judging and more mindful of how my curiosity appeared in the questions I was asking. I thought of all this as I cried for what I had grinned about daily in the love that I had treasured was measured by the widest grin on my face everyday that we spoke. I spent the day in bed sobbing, then went out into the sun to feel any part of his love in my chest like I had days ago. I went back inside and reread through our conversations to capture the love in my head and heart and lock it in. After that, I mustered up the strength to go to yoga. Tonight it was a man who was the Yoga Master leading us through the poses.
He said, "I usually don't speak much in yoga. But today, I want you all to realize just like a cow gets more anxious as its trapped in a pen that gets smaller and smaller. Yoga shows us through trying to hold poses and get into them that just like in life we may have emotional stresses and hardships that come, but we must seek deep within to push through these hardships and find the kind of strength needed to push through these hard times just like you reach deep within to nail these poses while watching your breaths. I want you to perform these poses like you are reaching within yourself with all the strength that you have so that when things get hard in real life, you know where to go."
Then, he walked over to his music and the first song was a familiar tune of Bob Marley's "Could you be loved?" And, for the rest of the hour all that played was the full playlist that my Energy God played every night and sang on the phone with me. I cried again as I held every pose tightly and felt my Energy God's love in each breath that I took to hold the pose. All I felt ironically, was great love and great pain. I walked out to my car after that class with the loss of excitement that I no longer had my Energy God to talk to and as another tear fell from my face I reasoned with myself that perhaps maybe, the dance was over because he wasn't the one meant to dance to our music forever. I shook my head. Then, I prayed to God that He would send me the Energy God again where we were both less hurt, less fearful and more grown up, more forgiving, more loving and accepting or to send me someone even greater, if possible when I deserved it. And with that, I found the peace alone, that was the same as the peace the Energy God would give me in silence, on the other end of the phone.
In yoga, the following day, I had let go of the pain some more but kept the love he gave me and distributed it to every part of my body so that it could overflow. In each breath, I realized that Joseph was still in me more than anyone else that had physically been in my presence. I still loved him.
As yoga continued, my body expanded into poses I had never been brave enough to master until now. I felt the most sacred part of myself, my "sacrum" during yoga the most as I held onto the love he had for me and gave it to myself. And in wanting to always maintain the connection that I felt with my Energy God, the energy and love within myself that was sacred, and never wanting to break it again, I made a vow of celibacy to myself until, my soul mate would walk into my life again.
"Happy New Year insightful friend, not sure why I never graced your page to say hi with that gorgeous smile."
"Aww, thank you sweetheart", I replied blushing. I couldn't deny I was already floating after that first sentence.
"My pleasure honey, so bold and beauty with captivating charming smile can melt away any storm! Glad we met love." The 'Energy God' replied.
"Don't you have a poetic way with words.." I said continuing to blush.
Immediately, every time I looked into his eyes I saw magic. I saw myself. I saw my soul mate in his unexplicable energy that was as deep and loving like an ocean that invited me, to explore him in his deepest and bluest waters in each time we spoke. We were both Pisces, the 12th sign and the ultimate sign of love. He was there when I was complaining about the love I hadn't received, or the job I didn't get, or the hardship of growing up with a family that wasn't close and feeling disconnected. He had the same experiences as me and this added to our bond. The Energy God whispered secrets of the Universe to me that continue to echo in my ears as truth.
"You know everything is really backwards, right? God is really a woman. Everything stems from the woman, the feminine energy that is, but just like the yin and yang, you can't have a whole; one without the other, masculine without feminine." We both brought those energies forth in the conversations we had that could turn from blissful to disappointing in a second.
"With great love comes great pain," he informed me.
I was skeptical. His intensity scared me. But his love captivated me as it was what I'd always dreamt of and manifested. He showed me how he could be extremely loving and how he could be easily hurt. He was very sensitive from beginning to end and everything in between. I saw all the positive and negative in one being intense. He loved me intensely, accepting all parts of me in the details, in the times when I used my little girl voice (that i thought could be annoying), when I whined about life or yelled at people on the road in brief moments of negative energy, he would still be on the end of the phone listening in silence. He never scolded me about my subtle rage, yelling at drivers risking my life! He was still as calm and peaceful as clouds moving in the sky. He emanated peace most of the time until, I would say something like,
"Babe, I really miss my best friend."
"What? Am I chopped liver! You have me right now, here. Why don't you figure out what it is that you miss and then talk to me after you figure it out!!!"
And just like that, the love would be disrupted by how he would take the insecurity he felt in my honest feelings that would mess up his vibe. And, thats where my calmness would take over. I despised how he would take things personally so quickly and easily that there were times I felt he was being unforgiving. I would prod after and ask him why it was necessary to get so angry so quickly or why it was important to take my feelings personally.
"They have nothing to do with you!" I would say passionately.
I wanted our peace again, our magical love that I felt even miles apart.
He would concede and say, "Babe, can we go back to love?" That line always melted me because thats exactly what I wanted all the time but the paradox was that he was the one that was so easily disrupted and I would be the one carrying it on until I fully understood why he was upset in the first place and then with that line, I would concede too and head back to loving him, deeply. In the silence and the noise. He would turn on Bob Marley and sing to me "Stir it up", "Could this be love?" and "Waiting in Vain". Then sang these words to me:
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love.
From the very first time I blessed my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t'rough.
But I know, now, that I'm way down on your line,
But the waitin' feel is fine:
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string,
'Cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb;
I wanna know when you're gonna come - soon.
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love;
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause if summer is here,
I'm still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I'm still waiting there.
I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna wait in vain.
He sang this to me one time when I wanted to get off the phone.
"I gotta go." I said.
"Baby, listen, I'm singing to you!" He said. And continued singing "Waiting in Vain" serenading me lovingly.
I didn't know what I was thinking in trying to get off the phone other than I was starting to fall for him fast and couldn't believe I was feeling this way after a week of talking to this man, this creature who I sought to understand. He was cold, hot but never lukewarm. I loved him and I was afraid of it.
"So baby, am I waiting in vain for your love? Are you just passing through or are you here forever?"
"Mmmmhm, I think I'm here to stay." I wasn't sure about my answer. It was so soon and I was still new at learning him. But this was the kind of love I had yearned for and wanted. The kind where the other is dying to know what I am doing at every hour of the day until it fades to a comfortable unknowingness that gets curious when you both get home from work or whatever happenings of life.
We were powerful together and just as magnificent apart.There were too many parts of him to explore from him mindfully describing to me the point of doing yoga and how people have working out backwards.
"People work from the outside in with their jogging outside and lifting. They got it all wrong, babe-y. We are supposed to work from the inside out to make our insides stronger and develop mental energy. And when one graduates from that then they add the lifting and running."
He gave me so much wisdom in such a short time perhaps thats why our time was so short.
The conversation continued with him and I exchanging compliments, excited at how we felt a strong unexplainable connection with each other. My new bearded acquaintance continued feeding me with compliments sweeter than dessert. It wasn't long before we exchanged numbers, ideas, dreams, thoughts, affection, commonalities, insights, wisdom....love. We became each other's love and his was familiar.
He greeted me daily every morning after my yoga , "Babeyyy, how was yoga? I knew you must have been out of yoga by now!"
Or with a text that said, "I miss you babe."
I never heard that sentence often enough in my whole life before him, It always seemed like words that were hard for any typical guy to say or admit. I had met too many that were afraid of being vulnerable yet, I would say it all the time.
Conversations began for fifteen minutes and soon expanded into hours on end multiple times a day. It was exactly the kind of relationship I had had before but never thought I'd find again so quickly. I treasured him, while I just happened to be seeing someone else (not exclusively) to the point that I put a halt on the other ensuing relationship just to explore The ;Energy God' deeper. We went back and forth daily for about a week on what I should do and who I should choose til finally I chose him. And as I was telling the "Energy God" of what I decided, he wasn't hearing me and had already started talking like he had lost me.
"Okay, lets just go our separate ways now."
"What? Are you hearing me?!! I just said I chose you!! All the things that I want, I WANT with YOU!!" I yelled like I wanted to continue to spell it out to him. He heard me and we silently continued forward.
Every day he brought in a new way of us to share in our spiritual connection, bond and practice.
"Baby, go sit directly into the Sun rays and be still to connect with me so eye can channel this Divine light energy directly to you my sacred Love, this presence awakens you." He texted again after yoga.
I couldn't believe this man was bringing poetry to my ears at every chance he got. This was the kind of love made for hopeful romantics like myself. I got the text late and was headed to grocery store after yoga instead but felt the sun's rays shining through my windshield onto my chest, into my heart and felt his love all over me while driving. Having the "Energy God" in my life was a time in my life where I smiled at everything. People that really know me, know that I do this at any reason in the world to smile about. But with the "Energy God" in my life, my smile turned into a silly grin that I shared with everyone. Everyday after yoga, I would leave the gym and hop into my car and quickly dial my "Energy God" and smile and grin and talk to him emphatically about yoga and the different movements I got and how good it felt to connect to myself. Or share the different energies I felt in class or in the steam room before class. He would get upset for me at people's energies, but it didn't bother me much. I maintained our calm when his was disrupted. We were water together. While one was in the waves, the other was calm and brought in the tide.
And every night before we both would fall asleep he would play every Bob Marley song and I would sing with him "Could you be looooooved, could you be loved?" We both knew the answer...as we fell asleep in each other's thoughts, souls and hearts. I was warm every night with his love.
One day, after much discussion the "Energy God" decided,
"Babe, I feel like we need something thats going to let our egos know that neither of us is going to try to leave so we need to be exclusive in some way."
"Well, how about we go on facebook and change our statuses from 'Single" to leaving it blank?" I suggested as we were in so deep and yet, had still yet to meet each other in person. The love was the most authentic I had known as he proved it to me in sacrificing 4, 5 ,6 hours every day just to hear my voice and I did the same because I loved him and was excited by him. You see, the "Energy God" was celibate and this made our passion for each other and our bond strong because it wasn't based on much of the physical but mostly the spirit which was lacking in all of my previous relationships. I was attracted to this man, and I still am and he was just as attracted to me as I was him. True loves, love you as you are. So when we decided to skype the day after we made our exclusivity official, we knew it was unrealistic to claim a relationship in not having met in person, we decided. So we anxiously got on skype and set up our accounts and he called me. I waited anxiously and could not see him in the darkness of his room. He saw my exasperation. In the silence of waiting for him and our conversations about family and marriage I couldn't help but think back to how he was the only guy I was sure I wasn't afraid of having a child with. I had no doubts at all about that. But in other accounts we were doubtful about each other and I could see that my Energy God's feelings could be hurt easily and that he could get depressed and hurt easily. Hurting and disappointing him was my greatest fear.
He finally went into the bathroom for better lighting so I could see his face. I immediately saw the oil on his face and asked him if he wore it everyday.
"Babe, do you wear that oil on your face at work?"
"No, they make me take it off."
"Oh, I was just gonna say! I couldn't see them letting you work that high-end place wearing it." I retorted.
"Beloved, people don't realize this is protection. Wearing oil protects your sinuses and that is more important to me that trying to have this commercial beauty."
I heard him well. And as he was talking I looked at him more imagining if I could see myself with him long-term, the way he was on video. I wanted to fully accept him but I became afraid of how the depth of my feelings for him were growing so fast and part of me wanted to run from the things I couldn't fully understand. My ego took charge of me. I was afraid of losing myself in him. The Energy God saw it quickly.
"Babe you are asking alot of questions, I can tell by your facial expressions that you are judging me!!! Just like every woman, you ALWAYS try to change a man!! You're just like everyone else!!"
His words hurt and stung me. I was curious, and I sought to understand him. I've learned this by being judged myself by family and friends. I didn't realize that my expressions were hurting him but what was written on my face were question marks on who this person truly was. Then, I noticed his eyelashes and how he was naturally pretty and how he had a natural softness to him. So fragile and easily bruised. My fear came over me once more as I sought to show him I wanted to understand him and how anytime I meet someone it takes some warming up to them. I didn't understand that about myself. Why I saw every man I dated in the beginning as a strange but beautiful creature. Perhaps, this is how I see myself. In each of the men I loved, I saw this as my first ideas of them. But, with the Energy God, I felt his presence in me the most. Out of all the men I felt were my "soul mates", he was the truest one so far and he told me the same. I finally saw myself having the love I desired that I was skeptical I'd ever find. I saw visions of us getting married and being happy. Us sailing in the islands, in the islands where I was from and sailing with him blissfully. He was the only guy that desired to go back to my homeland and live. I didn't appreciate it as much when he first brought it up the first time but I definitely could spend a summer with him on the sand, in the water, gazing into the sun, doing yoga poses with him. All of this would have been perfection. Until, we crashed into each other's egos and our Spirits stopped steering our Loveboat.
After my Energy God felt judged things fell apart inside me. Part of what he was saying was right and after him threatening to walk away from me and leave because he kept saying "Our time is up." And was so easily ready to concede because of all of the past pain he had endured from his family and past loves not being in his spirit with him without trying to change him. I saw him. All of him. And in spite of hurting him I still wanted him but I let my fear override my love. So, after calming him down and reassuring him that I loved him and that I'd "Talk to you later!"
I then, met up with the other guy I had been seeing after asking my Energy God if he'd be upset if I hung out with friends from time to time, he was okay with it. But as I drove out to meet the other guy, something in me changed as I realized there was a good chance that my "Energy God" would always be on the edge of the ledge of trying to end us. I knew, it could be the end of me for a while if I let myself go deeper into his intense love for us. And, I couldn't keep talking someone back into staying with me every other day. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him more forgiving and understanding of me and even-tempered, secure and safe in my love as well. He admitted he was depressed and had bi-polar tendencies. I didn't believe him at first and later saw that it was true. So, that night after feeling numb about my first skype meeting with my love I continued to meet the other guy I had temporarily stopped seeing (but had planned on ending it forever) and he and I picked up where we left off as it was a physical relationship, lacking the spirituality that I was receiving from my Energy God. In my meeting with Barry, (the other guy I had stopped seeing) I broke me and the Energy God's bond and the sacrity of our relationship on purpose out of fear. I lost my truest love.
I didn't call my Energy God til the next morning, knowing that he already knew what happened. We were psychic with each other. I also realized I could never be with Barry, even after he confessed again how much he liked me. I knew he would never morph into my Energy God. And that he and I shared a divine energy the has been unmatched. I called the Energy God and he ignored my phone call. I texted him and asked him if we'd ever see each other again and he wrote a cold "No" back. I expected this. I knew the point at which I broke his and I's bond and I wondered if he knew the point in which he broke it with me. I guess it didn't matter because the greatest feeling we both were on the same page with was the doubt more than the love. But, if there were anyway I could go back in time and mold us better I would, but the only way I could see this happening is if we both were more accepting of each other as we were. Him in me, in my lack of "mindfulness" as he called it in the words I say to him. And me, in being less judging and more mindful of how my curiosity appeared in the questions I was asking. I thought of all this as I cried for what I had grinned about daily in the love that I had treasured was measured by the widest grin on my face everyday that we spoke. I spent the day in bed sobbing, then went out into the sun to feel any part of his love in my chest like I had days ago. I went back inside and reread through our conversations to capture the love in my head and heart and lock it in. After that, I mustered up the strength to go to yoga. Tonight it was a man who was the Yoga Master leading us through the poses.
He said, "I usually don't speak much in yoga. But today, I want you all to realize just like a cow gets more anxious as its trapped in a pen that gets smaller and smaller. Yoga shows us through trying to hold poses and get into them that just like in life we may have emotional stresses and hardships that come, but we must seek deep within to push through these hardships and find the kind of strength needed to push through these hard times just like you reach deep within to nail these poses while watching your breaths. I want you to perform these poses like you are reaching within yourself with all the strength that you have so that when things get hard in real life, you know where to go."
Then, he walked over to his music and the first song was a familiar tune of Bob Marley's "Could you be loved?" And, for the rest of the hour all that played was the full playlist that my Energy God played every night and sang on the phone with me. I cried again as I held every pose tightly and felt my Energy God's love in each breath that I took to hold the pose. All I felt ironically, was great love and great pain. I walked out to my car after that class with the loss of excitement that I no longer had my Energy God to talk to and as another tear fell from my face I reasoned with myself that perhaps maybe, the dance was over because he wasn't the one meant to dance to our music forever. I shook my head. Then, I prayed to God that He would send me the Energy God again where we were both less hurt, less fearful and more grown up, more forgiving, more loving and accepting or to send me someone even greater, if possible when I deserved it. And with that, I found the peace alone, that was the same as the peace the Energy God would give me in silence, on the other end of the phone.
In yoga, the following day, I had let go of the pain some more but kept the love he gave me and distributed it to every part of my body so that it could overflow. In each breath, I realized that Joseph was still in me more than anyone else that had physically been in my presence. I still loved him.
As yoga continued, my body expanded into poses I had never been brave enough to master until now. I felt the most sacred part of myself, my "sacrum" during yoga the most as I held onto the love he had for me and gave it to myself. And in wanting to always maintain the connection that I felt with my Energy God, the energy and love within myself that was sacred, and never wanting to break it again, I made a vow of celibacy to myself until, my soul mate would walk into my life again.
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