"You've got to love the body you're in, in order to get the body you want."
I will never forget when my ex-boyfriend said that to me. He was crazy but he had a point there. It was October 2010, post competition from my first two figure shows and I couldn't stand my off-season body. I vowed to never be a size 8/9 again and there I was, perhaps bigger. I couldn't even wear jeans. Stretchy black pants were my best option for leaving my house feeling halfway presentable. What an ongoing struggle. I blamed him for helping me eat the vegan pizzas and meditteranean burgers from Busboys and Poets. "You just looked soo happy eating it!" Is what he responded when I was seeking support for regaining control over myself.
I blamed him, shit, I blamed myself and was upset that I'd lost control over something that had made me happy. Having control over my life, what I ate, when I ate, when I worked out. I was compromising myself. Back at square one again in my fitness journey, I was stressed yet again, seeing myself for all the things I wanted to change rather than accepting them instead.
** When I first started training ever, just for physical fitness I didn't like my body. I weighed 135lbs at 5'5 1/2, 15 years old, and I didn't like that number. Oh trust it went up as I began to put on more muscle. I figured at 15, why not run? I'm starting to look soft and sloppy compared to my classmates. So I put on my shoes and started out jogging down the street and back. My cardio levels were awful. I could barely make it to the end of the street and back without feeling winded or like I wanted to die caughing up my lungs. It was disgusting the level of fitness I wasn't at. There were times I'd feel chest pains and would freak out that the inactivity in my life along with the stress of living with my family who were and are still staunch authoritarians combined with the stress I placed on myself was going to kill me. So faithfully, me and the street I resided on became loyal friends. When it was raining, I was running. When it was snowing, I was running. When it was sunny, I was running. I didn't care as long as I ran daily. It was freedom. And little by little the distance grew longer and longer 'til I was up to 3 miles a day running to the main road and back. Boy did I feel accomplished thinking back to where I started. Then, I added in doing reverse crunches after my run and my abs started to appear. In the locker room other girls noticed and exclaimed how it was "not fair" for me to have my six pack, but God knew it was!! I put in the work. A year later, those abs faded away because I did not know to do something different.**
The cycle would continue of being on and off and my body changing all the time depending on what was going on. Stressed then relieved, stress and relief. Eating, not eating, eating timed meals, eating erratically, not having money to eat regularly. I've been there and done it all. Counting calories, weighing my food through portions and eating by portion. To this day I am still figuring it out...but every year I get closer and closer in at least finding out what does NOT work for my body type. I am a female mesomorph. I am more rare than common. I gain muscle from swimming, running and biking. All of these can make my legs especially thick if I don't do it right...for me. There have been times I was eating less and working out and gained weight. I have been a size 3/4 at 145lbs. Yes, I have! And people will tell me its the best 145 they've seen but God knows the battle it was to be okay with that number! Knowing that there were days I starved to get there while having a bodyfat of 13 or 14%. Of course, I looked great, I just didn't like what I looked like on paper.
Eventually, in order to be able to present myself onstage in my competitive years as a confident competitor I paid alot less attention to the number I was sporting and more attention to the body I was strutting. My clothes fit like they never did before. Pants were hanging off of me and I'd finally lost those stubborn hips and thighs! That was a day to celebrate. My confidence soared. Amidst it all, all my progress I hadn't realized that I had a problem with the original me at 23 years old, pre-competition that was just exercising to exercise. The me with the 6 pack that faded to a 4 pack. The me that I felt had saddlebags and was a little softer. It wasn't until I started dieting down, counting my calories and dropping to 139 that I started to see the me that was hiding. When I looked in the mirror, it was the me that I'd felt was the real me all along. The me that slaved in the gym for hours daily. The me that ate healthy all the time was finally staring back at me and showing herself! What a journey!!
Everytime I got a new coach the number would go up. They always seemed to figure that adding muscle was the key when I'd had enough. Gorging me with protein instead of lowering it or lowering the weights. I don't need more size, I need definition!! I went through 3 coaches with 3 different approaches and honestly I would use them all again for 3 different things as they all got me in all fairness, different successful and unsuccessful results. All in all, I've learned more about the me I'm in and I trust this woman more. I am my greatest coach. I live, eat, sleep and breathe in this body. The most valuable thing I could do for it, is learn it.
The me I'm in now is still a work in progress. I'm still hard on myself with the numbers, with the eating, the not eating, the overtraining from time to time but its slowly coming together. I listen to myself more. What my body is saying. I can't be putting it down if I want to come up. I meditate and do yoga. I free my mind and let go of the things I cannot control and have regained that control over myself. I dropped back down to my in-between competition and off-season -body size of being a 5/6. It was a loong battle there. That took me several months to achieve due to internal conflicts and letting the wrong people into my life. I am now continuing the journey with the me thats taking the journey alone. I have not been in this much control of my life since 2008. Its felt good to leave the dead weights behind. Pun-intended. :) I am proud to say that I love the me that was within me all along. Not just the physical me, but the me that has gained such an awareness for what is going on around me. Who and how people affect me, my quality of life and my body. I am grateful for seeing the strength I have that is visible inside and out. When you're resilient you're always a winner. I would caution everyone and anyone that you can't love the you you're not in if you're in the you you are now and expect to get there. You will spend everyday stressing as if you'll never get there. Patience is a virtue. Let me say that again, Patience is a virtue. Learn to have it while enjoying the journey, then the destination.
“The journey is the destination.” – Dan Eldon
“Whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free . . . your true self comes out.” — Tina Turner
“We don’t change what we are, we change what we think what we are.“ – Eric Butterworth
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