"Did you go to Cheesecake Factory by yourself? Oh my goodness. That's weird. I could never do that."
My mother always had an interesting way of telling me how she didn't understand my ways, mixed in with her own securities. Honestly, I felt more sorry for her that she felt she always needed someone to do things with. That's kinda sad, Mom. Is what I thought to myself. I feel so free and empowered when I do things on my own! Talk about Big Girl Panties, I could wear those all day every day. Those panties fit!!!
Look Mom, I'm a big girl now. I ate lunch by myself at the biggest, most loudest, most crowded place in the world today!!!...And the big panties remain. :)
Truth was, sometimes it could be uncomfortable by myself and that was a fabulous reason to keep doing it. Who wants to be held back by themself? Fears are illusions. Fears are illusions. Fears are illusions. Did I say it enough?
When I first started to do competitions I was a nerve wreck onstage. There was a point in standing in the background I swore I was going to faint from the overwhelming reality of it all. I was never one to really like the spotlight unless I knew who was shining it on me. :) I had coached and coached myself. I practiced my routine to the point that I went down to the stage a day before the show and practiced my T-walk and quarter turns for two hours. The next day at the show I got up onstage and struggled to keep myself from shaking. Those heels were soo high. The lights needed to be brighter. I could see everyone! I almost had a panic attack. I coached myself again.
Keep it together, this is your moment. I've got to bring a trophy home! I've worked hard for this. I practiced on you yesterday, Stage!!
I was shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. Jesus. I stopped thinking. I think that was the best thing I could do..just stop. And when I did, my legs stopped shaking too....almost. And only by the grace of God I didn't fall of the stage or faint like I was so sure I would. And someday...hopefully soon, I'll do it again...just to overcome the fear of being judged and seen by alot of people all at once. The hardest part about competing has never been the dieting or the exercise. I love being dedicated and having a plan to a tee. The hardest part for me has always been the stage. The fears of what could happen like tripping, leaving a shoe behind, not doing my poses right or for long enough....or people just staring at me. Sorry, that's a pet peeve. I don't like too much attention all at once and I don't have an ego that likes it either.
One thing I learned from the last time I did it, was when you have fun and focus more on that, than trying to be perfect, your best you comes out.
Ever noticed that? That the one thing thats the hardest to do is the one thing that will save you? Its like trying to swim. You must trust the water that it won't drown you first in order to learn. You must trust AND believe that it is possible for your body to float and once you do that (and see that you're not drowning) you get better at it.
People say practice makes perfect but in some cases this should be revised. Perhaps for some of us, ALOT of practice makes perfect. And in other instances when something is impromptu and I don't have time to think I do better than if I'd taken the time to think about it and practice. The point is, we all have fears. Its getting to the bottom of what they are and how to overcome them thats of absolute importance. Free yourself from your own mental bondage to roam the Earth less restrained AND not standing in your own way. Again, true strength comes from within. I think its a sad thing when I see people who are visibly muscular and physically strong on the outside be so weak, frail and fragile on the inside. I don't want that person to be me. The two should match (the external and the internal). That's false advertising if they don't!!!
Perhaps the greatest exercise we should all do 2-3 times a day is meditate on who we really are and then not be so afraid to show the real us to others.
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